Why Your Bachelorette Sucks 2: Clare Crawley and the Curious Case of Being Dicknotized

Hid your name in case you didn’t want that out there
The real villains being the Bachelorette and her crush is some M. Night Shyamalan level plot twists (ABC)
  • Becca “sucked” only because she was boring. She was boring because she was normal as fuck (good for her). Does that mean she was a bad Bachelorette? Of course not. The only thing hurting her case is that she rode hard to defend her fiancé who got caught liking transphobic memes and posts criticizing the survivors of a school shooting.
  • Colton sucked because we had to endure an entire season of virginity jokes just for him to jump a fence for a girl who didn’t have strong feelings for him and eventually filed a restraining order. Who would have thought that Colton, aka if Chris Pratt never acted and was a sketchy youth pastor, would turn out to be a creep?
  • Peter sucked and I’m not going to yet again explain why, just read either this grammatically awful blog, this comprehensive writing attempt I call a blog, or this typo-ridden blog.
  • Hannah B sucked because she adamantly ignored red flags beaming from a misogynistic oompa loompa. Let’s not also forget she stiff armed all of the warnings her own family gave her about Jed, who is living proof that if a painfully mediocre white man can learn a minimum of four guitar chords, he will drown in pussy. There’s more musical talent that can be found from the wiring of Jasper T. Jowls than man who is essentially the offspring a Hollister and Guitar Center hate-fucking in the bathroom of a country bar.
What a coincidence because that’s exactly what we’re saying about your time on this show (ABC)
  • I know I have made fun of Bennett a lot and can you blame me? Bennett looks like he forecloses homes for sport. That said, I gotta admit…. The dude is growing on me… Bennett is 1,000% that guy your friend starts dating and right off the bat you think he’s some pompous, entitled asshole and then after three hangouts you realize he’s like the nicest dude who surprisingly didn’t vote for Trump. Like, you’re flabbergasted by how much you like him, to the point that if your friend and him broke up… You’re taking his side.
Clare’s writers did a good job at that roast (ABC)
  • Clare apparently doesn’t know how a fucking roast is supposed to work. Clare got defensive over the guys dragging Dale like if this was The Blind Side, but with a lightskin who never started in the NFL. She really spent the entire cocktail party interrogating every man on why they roasted her former Party City Model crush. Bennett railing on Dale was truly the pinnacle of American television. That boy FLAMED Dale. Bennett dragging Dale is the only time I will ever condone a privileged white man disenfranchising a black dude.
  • Clare treats spending quality time with the other men like it’s a chore, but yet the second the men show her the exact same level of energy she’s giving them, she’s suddenly being disrespected and deserves better? It’s hilarious how people react when they get treated the exact same way they’ve been treating others.
  • I fell off my fucking couch when Clare called Dale “her fiancé” when she’s only been on two group dates with him. BITCH, THERE ARE MIDDLE SCHOOL COUPLES ACTING WITH MORE INTEGRITY THAN YOUR ALMOST 40-YEAR-OLD ASS RIGHT NOW.
  • I have several questions about why Clare not only received a pair of Dale’s pants, but proceeded to smell them and I want none of them answered. Girl straight up sniffed this dude’s pants like it was fresh pie out of the oven. Clare is CRITICALLY HORNY. If I found out someone I was dating got a pair of my pants and whiffed so hard she damn near ripped the fabric off, I would first be questionably flattered and then proceed to file a restraining order against her and her entire lineage. I feel like we’re just watching a prequel episode of the show Snapped.
  • Another thing I’ll give Clare credit for is that if she doesn’t want a man on the show, she cuts them THE FUCK OUT. No time is wasted. You’re gone. I respect that. Yosef should have never gotten a rose in the first place, but the second he exposed his abusive traits, Clare sat him in a trebuchet and launched him into the sun. Good job on that. For real. Also Yosef has brought up his “daughter” so many times that I’m starting to think she isn’t real. It gives me big “I have a girlfriend, she just goes to another school” vibes. Also funny that Yosef is so worried about setting an example for his daughter when he went out of his way on national television to expose himself as a dangerously controlling dude who’s probably mentally and/or emotionally abusive.
  • The best text I’ve ever received from a fellow Bachelor-nation member:
He was wearing a v-neck, but the point still stands
  • Tyler C thinks Matt James “dodged a bullet” by not being on Clare’s season. I didn’t know where to put this information, but it’s critical that you all have this information…. So here….
This whole scene physically hurt me to watch (ABC)

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Chris Mejia

Chris Mejia

Delusional sports fan and messy Bachelor/Bachelorette viewer. These are my hot takes.