Why Your Bachelorette Sucks 2: Clare Crawley and the Curious Case of Being Dicknotized

Right off the bat, allow me to say that I’ve made a giant mistake. A mistake that a reader of my previous blog so kindly pointed out and highlighted within the literal first sentence:

Hid your name in case you didn’t want that out there

Who would have thought it would have only taken a single week to come to the conclusion that I’m a biggest dumb bitch for writing that sentence.

IT ONLY TOOK SEVEN FUCKING DAYS.

SEVEN.

ONE WHOLE ASS WEEK IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN YEAR FOR US TO REALIZE CLARE IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

Some of us decided to be optimistic for Clare since she’s been through a lot and wanted to think “fifth time was the charm,” only to get side-swiped by the inevitable truth that she is atrocious. Clare has about as much likability as every bride-to-be who demanded America reopen from Covid lockdowns so that they could have their wedding this year. I’m not talking about you engaged folk who are bummed that you have to postpone your wedding, got railed by your venues, and can’t get refunds or shift your dates. Ya are valid in being angry. I’m talking about all of the Brittney’s upset that they couldn’t get hammered in New Orleans with the only former sorority sisters of theirs who somehow can still stand them. Clare Crawley has the personality of an attractive Karen. Clare just gives off the energy of a coked out housewife whose only thrill left in life is launching into a tirade at Lululemon because she couldn’t return her sweats even though the policy clearly stated she needed a receipt.

The real villains being the Bachelorette and her crush is some M. Night Shyamalan level plot twists (ABC)

To make things clear: a Bachelor or Bachelorette being abysmally awful isn’t anything new. Clare isn’t the first “worst” Bachelorette and I doubt she’ll be the last. I’ve only been watching this franchise for a few years, but every Bachelor & Bachelorette I’ve seen was a pile of flaming dog shit in their own way, shape, or form.

My point is, nobody is expecting the Bachelor or Bachelorette to be perfect. If there’s anything realistic that can be found from this franchise, it’s that dating is incredibly messy and we’re all god awful at it. It starts off as a spectacle because we’re too horny to think logically and we’re later jackknifed by an 18 wheeler full of disastrous feelings, leaving us heartbroken. I’m pretty confident that if a camera crew followed each of us around during our dating escapades, we’d probably be exposed for toxic and awkward traits of our own.

What sets Clare apart is that Clare saddled up on a high horse sponsored Lily Pulitzer and swung her metaphoric dick, bragging about “i’M ThE OLdeSt BACHeloREtTE. i JUsT DID AlL of THiS THErApy And i’ve gROWn AS A pERSOn. I’M sO mAtuRe aND i kNow wHaT i wANt. no gAmEs.” Clare practically vomited an underwhelming TedTalk in the first episode of the season about why her age is going to make her the best suited for the position, only for her to prove that she might be the most toxic. Clare is just masquerading toxicity as empowerment and the last thing she wants to do is take accountability for the fact that her actions may be hurting others.

Despite whatever therapy and self-growth she may have undergone before the show, Clare Crawley is NOT in a strong enough mental or emotional shape to be dating (on a reality show at least). Clare is so infuriating to watch because she’s a textbook example of someone who is dating when they’re clearly not ready or over their previous relationship to a healthy enough degree. No offense to Clare, but baby girl I highly suggest you take your eggs, freeze those bad boys, and keep them on ice until you’ve unpacked your baggage a bit more. Clare’s behavior is immensely disrespectful and she’s playing the victim in a lot of situations rather than taking ownership for her actions. Clare’s basically pulling the immature “I’ve been hurt and had to fight for other people’s attention for too long so now it’s my turn to be selfish and control all of the power.” Clare, I know that you’ve been wronged a lot and that truly does suck, but being hurt in the past doesn’t excuse you from wasting people’s times and your selfish actions damaging others.

Honestly, it would be different if Clare never did all this big talk about empowerment and how mature she was. If she just came out of the gate “yeah I’m ready for love and I’m going to try my best,” then maybe I’d be a little easier on her. The problem is, she’s promptly built a pedestal of feeling so “empowered” and a lot of her actions are so selfishly immature and irresponsible. Clare is entitled to act in what she deems is in her bests interests. If she truly feels so strong about Dale I really can’t fault her for that! Seriously! In her defense, she isn’t faking interest in other men. If she faked interest for the sake of preserving the show, that would be HORRIFICALLY toxic.

Keeping someone around with the sole purpose as them functioning as a “bench player” because the person you’re actually interested in isn’t guaranteed is fucked up. Obviously, putting all your metaphoric dating eggs in one basket as you’re in the very early stages of dating someone can be dangerous and we all have the right to play the field to protect ourselves. Shit, that’s the whole format of this show. It would be damaging & toxic as fuck if Clare acted in a way that would give the impression that she’s developing legitimate feelings for the other men when there were no serious intentions to reciprocate or elevate those feelings. As much as I hate Clare, I have to give her credit that she isn’t doing that.

What’s wrong is that these guys gave up on their lives to at least have a chance to win over Clare’s heart and she already closed up shop ON THE FIRST NIGHT. Like, at least give them a chance Clare. I know for a fucking fact that if Peter Weber did the same exact shit, we’d be dragging his pasty, unseasoned chicken ass down whatever runway his mother is currently lecturing him on. Clare is a fucking walking contradiction. She gets upset that grown men didn’t pounce on each other like crabs in a bucket to pull her away during a group date, feeling unwanted, only to immediately make every contestant feel unwanted while she dry humps Dale for an hour. She’s upset when it feels like men aren’t there for her, yet she couldn’t be bothered to spend time with the guys during an extended cocktail party that was her fucking idea.

What a coincidence because that’s exactly what we’re saying about your time on this show (ABC)

If this was real life, I’d encourage Clare to ghost the rest of the men and focus solely on the man that she’s dripping a river over. She signed up to be the Bachelorette and knows damn well how this show works. She knows that she’s supposed to be dating all of these men rather than living out some kink where Clare and Dale cuck the entire cast. If Clare was like “stop the show, I only want Dale,” then okay cool. Maybe that’s what she does in tonight’s episode, but the fact that she’s continuing along is bullshit.

Plus, she’s robbing herself from the opportunity of building a connection with the other men. What if Dale was a trap? Traps are something we’ve all encountered. Someone who we get so enamored with that we get distracted, ignore blatant red flags, and severe ties with potential relationships that would have been much healthier for us because we’re so tunnel visioned on this person. She could have these strong feelings for Dale, but it could also just be a basic fling that ends in a dumpster fire (which I’d bet my next paycheck they break up within the next year). Clare can definitely be sure that Dale is something special for her, but she basically just walked into a restaurant and ordered what she saw in the window without even bothering at looking at the menu.

A lot of bullshit went down these past two weeks and this blog is already long enough, so lemme just touch on a few points real quick:

Clare’s writers did a good job at that roast (ABC)
He was wearing a v-neck, but the point still stands
This whole scene physically hurt me to watch (ABC)

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT

That whole Zach J. situation…. Woo boy…

There’s so many takes circulating this cringe-tacular moment and a lot to unpack here.

First and foremost, Clare initially stopped. Zach wanted the kiss, but Clare stopped and at first blamed it on Zach. Once again, Clare, take some fucking responsibility.

THAT

FUCKING

BEING

SAID…

ZACH WENT WAYYYYYYYY OUT OF POCKET AND OUT OF LINE WITH HIS FORCEFUL “REBOUND.”

Let’s recap:

Clare leans in, hesitates, pulls back.

Zach notices, tries to make a last minute save by being aggressive, thinking that’s what Clare wanted.

This move tremendously backfires.

Instead of just exiting the awkward moment, Zach repeatedly tries to grab Clare’s neck despite several requests from Clare to let it go.

Clare is trying to calmly exit the situation and Zach exacerbates it even more by making one final grab of her neck, making everyone at home wish we could squirm into their bodies like a turtle with its shell.

Some people are claiming Clare is wrong to say this moment was “triggering” and play a “victim” of assault and to be honest I don’t think that’s fair. You’ve read this blog, you know that I don’t like Clare. I have no motivation to defend her, that said it’s kind of fucked up that people are rushing to call her a false martyr. I don’t know Clare personally. I don’t know her life and what’s happened outside of the cameras. I don’t know her traumas and it ain’t our business to know her traumas unless she decides to talk about them. I don’t know what her experiences are. This moment truly could have triggered a harmful memory of a previous assault. Just because what went down at the pool doesn’t seem like a big deal to us, doesn’t mean Clare isn’t allowed to be validated in feeling like this re-sparked some PTSD. Also, even if it didn’t trigger a previous memory, Clare is more than validated to feel uncomfortable and want to exit a situation in which she didn’t feel safe in.

It’s important that we recognize that Zach crossed a line. Do I think he’s an abuser? No. I think he made a mistake in reading what the right move was and it severely backfired. I think if there’s an important takeaway from this, it’s how critical consent is. We’ve all been in moments that you realize too late you could have made a move and kissed someone, but didn’t. In those moments, you have the thought of “maybe if I’m assertive, I can still make this happen,” but assertiveness can cross a line. It was a mixup, but all of the neck grabs were too much. It was bad news from the first neck grab. That last neck grab as they were out of the pool and Clare was so clearly trying to get the fuck out of there literally hurts me to watch and I’m using the word“literally” correctly. Literal physical pain shoots through my body every time I witnessed that moment.

Zach should have just taken the L of not getting a kiss and then try to judge if a kiss could happen at dinner depending on how the night goes. I know it sucks you didn’t get the kiss. I get it, but if you have to force a kiss to happen, that’s a major violation. The neck grabbing was forceful. I re-watched the scene, Clare was giving all of the signs of “no.” Even if there was miscommunication and confusion, a no is a no bro. It’s 1,000% better for a woman to go home thinking you have zero game and that’s why you didn’t kiss than to be seen as a predator. If I was Zach, I’d rather just not get the kiss than live the rest of my life knowing I crossed a line and triggered somebody. This was a cluster-fuck. Yes, Clare’s lust for Dale may have ruined the initial kiss attempt, but that is absolutely zero excuse to accuse Clare for being “falsely triggered” and there’s nothing about what Zach did that is okay.

Regardless of the reason, if Clare doesn’t want to kiss you she doesn’t have to. Period. Consent is critical ya.

/TRIGGER WARNING

Alright, this is has transition from being a blog to a college thesis so let’s end it here. I’ve never been more excited to watch a Men’s Tell All. Clare is truly wasting all of these men’s time and how dare she, she has a great group of guys! I really hope this is the last we have to see the Bachelorette version of Love is Blind’sMessica.” Give us the queen Tayshia. We are ready. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope you get a rose tonight.

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Chris Mejia

Delusional sports fan and messy Bachelor/Bachelorette viewer. These are my hot takes.