Why Your Bachelorette Sucks: Clare Crawley and the Appropriately Aged Men
I should make it clear before you start your angry replies that I’m not actually saying that Clare sucks, this is just the name of this blog I always do about The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.
I mean, does Clare Crawley actually suck as the Bachelorette? Only time will tell. I’m not declaring anything, but it doesn’t help that Clare looks like every young Republican mom from my hometown who consistently dines at Outback Steakhouse whenever she’s not too busy calling the cops on some innocent black kids. Clare just looks like the type of woman who voted for Trump and still went to the women’s march. I’m not accusing her of anything, just saying I wouldn’t be surprised if she does something problematic in the near future. I mean shit, Hannah B went a whole-ass season appearing as “one of the good, non-racist Alabamians” just to drunkenly drop the n-word on Instagram live. The best part of that disaster was that she censored EVERY BAD WORD in that DaBaby song and yet still drops the n-word, which is the most southern Christian shit I’ve ever seen. “Lord have mercy Abilene, I’m a good Christian woman! The good book tells me to not let the words of the devil leave my lips. I will be gosh-darned if a n***a hears me utter profanity.” All jokes aside, it feels so good to have The Bachelorette back, especially when it seemed like it wouldn’t see the light of day. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s apparently a pandemic sweeping the globe, choke slamming the elderly and erasing the reality we used to call normal.
Coronavirus is a bad bitch, but not bad enough to prevent ABC from capturing the train wreck that could be Clare’s season of The Bachelorette. The Bachelorette, aka the show most people like to roast as a fake, damaging, and problematic dating show. First of all, you’re right, but lower your voice and mind your fucking business. The Bachelor/Bachelorette is the WWE of romance, we know this shit is fake. We know it’s manipulated. We know both the WWE and The Bachelorette have a big star known for saying the n-word. We know the producers are pulling strings from behind the scenes. You know what we say to that? “Who cares?”
The world is bleak as fuck. Police are playing whack-a-mole with protestors. The entire West Coast was on fire. Murder hornets were gonna pull up to give us the smoke at some point. The Cleveland Browns are 4–2. KOBE BRYANT AND BLACK FUCKING PANTHER DIED. EVERYTHING IS FUCKING HORRIBLE RIGHT NOW. The world feels like whoever is playing SimCity with our reality is just running every single disaster scenario because they’re bored and secretly a sadistic psychopath. Let people find solace in their own way. Our way involves watching a BUNCH of horny singles all compete for a chance to be a social media influencer in hopes that their flat tummy tea ads will pay off the immense therapy bills that await in their future.
Anyways we’re one episode into Clare’s season and it’s already lightyears better than that human embodiment of flavorless La Croix ya call Peter Weber. The dust has settled. The chapter has been written. Time has passed. I think it’s time we all agree to stop defending and enabling mediocre white men like Peter Weber, especially when they’re jumping through every hoop imaginable to be a complete & total disappointment. “wElL aCtUaLlY, pEtEr Is CuBaN.” Okay technically yes, but he’s about as authentically Hispanic as the Doritos Locos Tacos at Taco Bell. For longest time we kept defending that expired Miracle Whip of a man by saying “he had a bad bunch,” which at first even I believed. I mean, the fact that Victoria F. was fucking her hometown friends’ fiancés and Hannah Ann was younger the movie Toy Story reasonably made America scream “it’s not Peter’s fault!” America it’s time we stop hiding from the truth that Peter had a good amount of stellar women on his season (shoutout to the queen Deandra, baby girl please answer my DMs). Stellar women that Peter paid absolutely ZERO mind to and gave them the boot because Peter needed a woman who could create an environment more toxic than his mother.
We all questioned how this season would even be possible considering Covid would make it controversial to continue with the international travel. A major component to this show’s formula is helping these emotionally under-developed 20 year olds believe they actually fell in love with a polyamorous hot single, when in actuality it’s because they’re on an all expense paid vacation to Europe. Shit, I would say “I love you” to somebody I’ve only known for six weeks too if I was busy drinking wine on a rooftop right after getting my back blown out in Santorini for the enticing price of $0.00 + decades of emotional trauma. I have a history of ignoring blatant red flags to get emotionally used & manipulated, so why not spice up my relationship baggage with some passport stamps?
This is Clare’s fifth shot at love on television and I pray to God she’s either successful or at least willing to realize that a check from ABC isn’t worth the trauma that comes with appearing on the Bachelor franchise for the sixth time. Make all the jokes you want about Clare’s misadventures on the show, she seemed ready to take this seriously and wasn’t going to allow any bullshit to stand in her way. What she will allow to get in her way are her eggs exploding like popcorn kernels the very instant she took a peak at Dale. Apparently when it comes to knowing who her future husband is, Clare utilizes the same method Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart used to describe his threshold test for obscenity with the ol’ “I’ll know it when I see it.”
A perfect mixture of a lot and a little happened in the premiere so let’s recap the juicy gossip, the shitty dudes, and this backwards romantic train wreck that will be Clare Crawley’s season:
- Chris Harrison FaceTimed Clare to let her know that ABC was going to move forward with her season. Chris claimed that they were willing to do everything they can to make sure Clare can start her important journey to find the love of her life. Such a beautifully touching bullshit lie because ABC is just willing to do everything in their power to make sure they can psychologically obliterate a bunch of desperate singles.
- ABC saved a shit-ton of money on nixing international travel and decided to use their savings to block off a La Quinta resort? Logistically it makes the most sense, but like ya couldn’t have chosen a resort that doesn’t share the same name as the hotel you find off a highway exit while you’re on your way to Disney? Having the Bachelorette at La Quinta inevitably means one of the 1-on-1 dates will be a continental breakfast. ABC saw what the NBA did with their Orlando hotel bubble and thought “fuck it, we’re just renting an AirBnB space.”
- Ed’s bio reads “Ed is looking to find a woman who has natural beauty without looking overly fake.” Ed, where do you get off making criticisms about women who look overly fake? Ed has the biggest fucking cranium I have ever seen. Ed’s head alone is larger than my studio apartment. Dude looks like he swallowed one of those Hulk fist toys. Ed had the audacity to audition for a reality dating show with that trapezoid he calls a skull. Ed’s giant head would be an answer to a kid’s geometry homework. Bitch your head is so giant it’s almost computer animated. Pixar modeled the character “Anger ” from Inside Out off of Ed’s skull. Ed is the genetic combination of every real estate agent in Miami and one of the Thwomps from Super Mario 64.
- All things considered, Clare has a great cast of men. No joke here, it’s kind of hard to roast these dudes because most of them seem to have their life together.
- I spoke too soon, one of these dudes is a “Boy Band Manager.” You’re probably thinking “what’s wrong with that? Maybe he manages the next *NSYNC or BTS?” YOU DUMB BITCH, YOU COULDN’T BE MORE WRONG! Kenny manages a tribute band named Boy Band Night. That’s right. He manages a cover band. “What songs do they cover?” I’m so fucking glad you asked, THEY ARE A TRIBUTE BAND WHO EXCLUSIVELY DOES BOY BAND COVERS. WHEN I DISCOVERED THIS, I WAS SCREECH CACKLING FOR TEN FUCKING MINUTES STRAIGHT. LOOK AT THIS SHIT:
Imagine managing a boy band led by K-Mart James Corden, Fred Durst if he was a long lost member of the Chainsmokers, and Kirkland Signature Nelly.
- Jordan M. looks like he has the personality of a celery stalk and just like celery, I would only pay attention to him if he was covered in peanut butter (or ranch if that floats your boat). Despite being as interesting as a kumquat, he’s like eight feet tall and probably has a bodycount higher than the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. One could speculate that this is because nobody can point out that you have nothing meaningful to say when you’re so tall, your words can only be heard in the stratosphere. Jordan, stop trying to get some Clare coochie and go play Power Forward for the Spurs.
*ahem* Shameless plug in 3… 2… 1…
- Blake Moynes was the only dude who reached out to Clare during quarantine, which is against the rules. Clare brought this up and Blake’s face screamed “shit I got SAUCED and drunk DMed you.” Turns out, it worked. Sometimes it pays to be bad.
- Clare isolating alone for MONTHS and immediately wanting to marry the first lightskin dude she meets is performative allyship at its finest (jk issa joke). Dale looks like the star basketball player from your high school that always cheated on his girlfriend. My favorite part of this was Clare saying “I think I just met my husband” and it leaving Chris Harrison completely bewildered. CHRIS HARRISON PULLED UP LIKE “BITCH, DID I JUST HEAR YOU SAY YOU MET YOUR HUSBAND?!?!? WE ARE ON EPISODE ONE! DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW THE FUCK THIS SHOW GOES?!?" I want to hold back criticizing Clare about this (at least publicly) because maybe “love at first sight” is a thing. I personally haven’t experienced it, but there is a valid point in “when you know, you know…..” That said…. Let’s be honest here…. If you were at a bar and your homie looked at someone who just walked in and said “that’s my future husband/wife,” you’d immediately take their drink away and say “that’s enough for you tonight.”
- It is important to point out that majority of the men who were NFL players were only on the practice squad. Don’t get me wrong, that’s still impressive.. but… Them saying “I played in the NFL” is like me saying I was on Comedy Central because you can slightly see me in the crowd in the Seattle episode of Kevin Hart’s “Hart of the City.”
A lot more happened in the episode, but honestly this blog is already too long and fuck you, I’ll write what I want to write about. Anyways, the preview for the rest of the season looks juicy and I truly hope we only have to endure Clare for two or three more episodes because the queen Tayshia is about to grace our television screens. She honestly deserves her own season, but you will not hear a negative peep from me when it involves screen time with Tayshia.
Tune in tonight for the latest edition of the inevitable shit show. My plan is to stick with the blogs this time around instead of only writing like two or three. We’ll just have to see if my destructive procrastination will allow me to create content this season. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope you get a rose tonight.