Why Your Bachelorette Sucks: Clare Crawley and the Appropriately Aged Men

Hey Clare, fifth time’s the charm? (ABC)
  • Chris Harrison FaceTimed Clare to let her know that ABC was going to move forward with her season. Chris claimed that they were willing to do everything they can to make sure Clare can start her important journey to find the love of her life. Such a beautifully touching bullshit lie because ABC is just willing to do everything in their power to make sure they can psychologically obliterate a bunch of desperate singles.
  • ABC saved a shit-ton of money on nixing international travel and decided to use their savings to block off a La Quinta resort? Logistically it makes the most sense, but like ya couldn’t have chosen a resort that doesn’t share the same name as the hotel you find off a highway exit while you’re on your way to Disney? Having the Bachelorette at La Quinta inevitably means one of the 1-on-1 dates will be a continental breakfast. ABC saw what the NBA did with their Orlando hotel bubble and thought “fuck it, we’re just renting an AirBnB space.”
Ed (36)
  • Ed’s bio reads “Ed is looking to find a woman who has natural beauty without looking overly fake.” Ed, where do you get off making criticisms about women who look overly fake? Ed has the biggest fucking cranium I have ever seen. Ed’s head alone is larger than my studio apartment. Dude looks like he swallowed one of those Hulk fist toys. Ed had the audacity to audition for a reality dating show with that trapezoid he calls a skull. Ed’s giant head would be an answer to a kid’s geometry homework. Bitch your head is so giant it’s almost computer animated. Pixar modeled the character “Anger ” from Inside Out off of Ed’s skull. Ed is the genetic combination of every real estate agent in Miami and one of the Thwomps from Super Mario 64.
  • All things considered, Clare has a great cast of men. No joke here, it’s kind of hard to roast these dudes because most of them seem to have their life together.
  • I spoke too soon, one of these dudes is a “Boy Band Manager.” You’re probably thinking “what’s wrong with that? Maybe he manages the next *NSYNC or BTS?” YOU DUMB BITCH, YOU COULDN’T BE MORE WRONG! Kenny manages a tribute band named Boy Band Night. That’s right. He manages a cover band. “What songs do they cover?” I’m so fucking glad you asked, THEY ARE A TRIBUTE BAND WHO EXCLUSIVELY DOES BOY BAND COVERS. WHEN I DISCOVERED THIS, I WAS SCREECH CACKLING FOR TEN FUCKING MINUTES STRAIGHT. LOOK AT THIS SHIT:
The you in “I Want You Back” is not referring to their ex, but the custody of their children
Jordan M. looks like if Tim Duncan never played in the NBA and was a manager at a local Chili’s.
  • Jordan M. looks like he has the personality of a celery stalk and just like celery, I would only pay attention to him if he was covered in peanut butter (or ranch if that floats your boat). Despite being as interesting as a kumquat, he’s like eight feet tall and probably has a bodycount higher than the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. One could speculate that this is because nobody can point out that you have nothing meaningful to say when you’re so tall, your words can only be heard in the stratosphere. Jordan, stop trying to get some Clare coochie and go play Power Forward for the Spurs.
That scarf 1000% was paid for with his great grandparents’ slave money. Bennett looks like the type of guy on the Titanic who got in the lifeboat before the women and children. (ABC)
  • Blake Moynes was the only dude who reached out to Clare during quarantine, which is against the rules. Clare brought this up and Blake’s face screamed “shit I got SAUCED and drunk DMed you.” Turns out, it worked. Sometimes it pays to be bad.
  • Clare isolating alone for MONTHS and immediately wanting to marry the first lightskin dude she meets is performative allyship at its finest (jk issa joke). Dale looks like the star basketball player from your high school that always cheated on his girlfriend. My favorite part of this was Clare saying “I think I just met my husband” and it leaving Chris Harrison completely bewildered. CHRIS HARRISON PULLED UP LIKE “BITCH, DID I JUST HEAR YOU SAY YOU MET YOUR HUSBAND?!?!? WE ARE ON EPISODE ONE! DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW THE FUCK THIS SHOW GOES?!?" I want to hold back criticizing Clare about this (at least publicly) because maybe “love at first sight” is a thing. I personally haven’t experienced it, but there is a valid point in “when you know, you know…..” That said…. Let’s be honest here…. If you were at a bar and your homie looked at someone who just walked in and said “that’s my future husband/wife,” you’d immediately take their drink away and say “that’s enough for you tonight.”
  • It is important to point out that majority of the men who were NFL players were only on the practice squad. Don’t get me wrong, that’s still impressive.. but… Them saying “I played in the NFL” is like me saying I was on Comedy Central because you can slightly see me in the crowd in the Seattle episode of Kevin Hart’s “Hart of the City.”
If we’re calling these practice squad men “Former NFL Players” then this counts as a TV comedy credit (Comedy Central)

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Chris Mejia

Chris Mejia

Delusional sports fan and messy Bachelor/Bachelorette viewer. These are my hot takes.