Why Your Bachelorette Sucks 3: Pour Some Trauma On Me

First off, allow me to say that I am aware.

I am aware that my procrastination has prevented me from writing this blog during some of the most critical and preposterous weeks in Bachelorette history.

The ABC producers pulled a coup d’état on Clare.

Tayshia stepped in to show America that Black women will continue to save us from evil.

Chasen, aka if Liam Hemsworth never became an actor and embraced his destiny of being a full-time ex-frat tech bro, somehow outdone the University of Michigan and took the title the most disgraceful wolverine of all time.

Ed still has a skull the size of fucking Pangaea.

A lot has happened that I could have had a fun time writing about.

This is the face of a man stuck in the Sunken Place (ABC)

Like when Clare basically revealed that being batshit crazy runs in the family. Her father only met her mom ONCE. ONCE! It only one dick appointment for him to feel the need to hitchhike from another town to propose. My man dropped down on one knee to ask her hand in marriage THE SECOND TIME HE SAW HER AND SHE SAID YES. See, this is a perfect example of ludicrous the patriarchy is. I’m assuming that’s why Mr. Crawley wasn’t welcomed with pepper spray. That’s the only reasonable explanation is to why a man would hitchhike to propose on the second date. It’s either that, or Clare’s mom has that gorilla grip coochie. Mr. Crawley was expecting a one night stand and had his soul yanked out of his dick and thought the only logical next step was a trip to Kay Jewelers.

People always rave about how our parents’ generation “got love & marriage right” and that’s why they’re still married to this day.. To be honest… That’s a load of bullshit. That generation had nothing to do but hate the civil rights movement, get cancer from smoking 6 packs a day, and look at someone like “you’re relatively my same height, do you want to get married? Haha jk, you’re a woman and it’s the 50’s, according to society you have no choice.” Let’s stop beating around the bush, the only reason majority of boomer couples are still married is because it was societal suicide to get divorced for the longest time. By the time society realized divorce was the new wave, gram-gram put too many hours into her save file with your grandfather like if it was a Skyrim character whose build you fucked up, and figured it was too late to get back on the market. Your grandfather Ralph didn’t convince Margaret to stick around because he had good dick and was a good husband. Your grandmother just got double penetrated by gender roles and systemic stigma that falsely perpetuated that your only purpose as a woman was to pump out babies.

Also if there’s anyone saying that Clare’s parents’ story is romantic, please tell me your mailing address so I can send you a therapy token. It’s already bananas that these people get engaged at the end of each season (which films over a couple of months), but who would have thought we would have found an even crazier approach to finding your spouse? At least with arranged marriages, it’s arranged. This is just absurd. Think about all of the people you went out with on a first date. Imagine if they proposed to you ON THE SECOND DATE.

Remember Ryan, that guy you met when you went out with your friends to Percy’s? He worked in tech, but didn’t seem bro-y? He said one positive thing about Elizabeth Warren so you immediately jumped to the conclusion that he’s an ultra-feminist who would rather talk about the wage gap instead of watching the Seahawks on Sundays? He had the cutest puppy that he offered to let you meet one day? Remember how on the second date you went to his place, he refused to wear a condom, gave you a solid three pumps before going Jackson Pollock all over your tummy, and then slut-shamed you when you tried to hit him up the next day? Yeah imagine if he proposed to you on the second date.

Insanity runs in Clare’s family and now she’s somehow finessed ABC out of three episodes of the Bachelorette and got engaged with a guy too light-skinned to be on Blacked.com (I’ve never visited this site. A friend told me about it. My eyes are pure). While Clare is preoccupied with poking holes in Dale’s condoms, Tayshia is showing us what a Bachelorette season would look when it’s headlined by someone with enough emotional intelligence to leave the drama to the contestants. Transitioning from Clare to Tayshia is such a juxtaposition of the difference between dating someone who has taken the time to grow and develop self-love from necessary alone time and someone who clearly hasn’t grown enough to be responsibly dating. Tayshia, at least on surface level, appears to be in a much healthier place in her life, which is allowing her to foster more genuine and deeper relationships with the men than Clare, who’d rather play games for attention than develop a connection. Sure, there’s still drama on the show, but you can tell that a lot of the toxicity that existed early on has slowly withered away because Clare isn’t watching from the rafters like “fight to the death for my attention because I’m bored.”

A queen. A goddess. Absolute perfection. Tayshia please DM me (ABC)

It is funny though because now that we actually have a Bachelorette who isn’t perpetuating childish & toxic behavior, the show is actually able to focus on the love and romance that it claims to be all about. It’s supposed to be about the romance. It’s supposed to be about the wild & crazy rollercoaster that is falling in love and we finally have that. Sure there’s some immature drama going on, but for the most part we’re watching Tayshia search for the man of her dreams. Now that we’re watching this show live out its true purpose….. I’ve never been more bored in my entire life… Holy shit, you never know what you got till it’s gone and I’m realizing that we need a dumpster fire of a lead to keep this show entertaining. For the record I’m still enjoying the show, but 30% of my time while watching the Bachelorette is looking at whatever dumb shit TikTok is serving me.

I will say, my biggest complaint about Tayshia’s run is that this is spiraling into trauma porn. I think it’s absolutely amazing that the men are being incredibly open about their emotions. It’s fucking AWESOME to see that on national TV. It’s a rarity to see men be so vulnerable because my fellow straight males are idiotic and think that letting your emotions out means you’re gay and you want to give the nearest male companion the gawk gawk 3000. According to Bryce’s everywhere, equipping yourself with the emotional intelligence to unpack your baggage and loving pussy are mutually exclusive items. Seeing such a public forum exhibit so many cases of men displaying their emotions and supporting each other in a healthy fashion is more refreshing than that glass of water you shotgun at 4 a.m. while half-asleep. My only issue is that it’s kind of becoming a game of “who has the worst trauma?” Instead of being this genuine and heartfelt “let’s share” circle, this has the danger of snowballing into “trauma bukkake” and I really hope we don’t see Tayshia punish those whose backstories aren’t traumatic enough.

Anyways, let me stop dicking around and speak to some of the hot things that happened last week:

  • Blake made a dick and Canadians everywhere are once again disappointed by their sole representation in American reality television. I know what we’re all thinking though… Did he sculpt pubic hair too? Was the dick circumcised? Was it erect? The answers to these questions will only be known amongst the cast and the ABC editing intern who had to black this art project out:
Note: sculpture is NOT built to scale (ABC)
  • Ben whipping his dick out during art class was one of the biggest eye roll moments until later learning that he has a history of struggling with an Eating Disorder. Similar to Zac, to open up about having a ED on national TV takes a lot of bravery. There’s so much ignorance about EDs and why people struggle with them. Learning about Ben’s struggle really made it clear why Ben took everything so personally and why him getting naked was such a pivotal moment. Also similar to Zac, Tayshia was accepting and embraced Ben and I’m so glad to see these revelations handled so maturely and responsibly (at least in comparison to how this show historically handles real shit). If Ben doesn’t win it all, that man better be on Paradise or on the list of consideration for the next Bachelor.
ABC’s censors are working overtime this season (ABC)

I’ll admit, I really phoned it in with this blog. I kept missing weeks and just wanted to get something out there…. So… Here… Damn… Leave me alone already… Tonight we’ll see the “dramatic” conclusion of the Noah & Bennett saga. Bennett started as the 7.5 point favorite according to Vegas, but now it’s looking like Noah might pull the upset. Oh and I’m very sorry for making you read the words “trauma bukkake.” Anyways start placing your bets on the top 4. Thanks for reading this, I hope you get a rose tonight.

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Chris Mejia

Delusional sports fan and messy Bachelor/Bachelorette viewer. These are my hot takes.