Why Your Bachelor Sucks 3: I No Longer Want To Write These

Can someone please murder me as quickly as possible so that I no longer have to write these?

I used to enjoy writing these blogs. It was the opportunity to insult a bunch of unlikeable people while occasionally making an arguably good point about how relationships function. This is only the third blog that I’ve gotten to write for this season because honestly yuh boy has been BOOKED & BUSY and I’m an incredible procrastinator. Often, when I’ve finally had the time to write, I was either too mentally fatigued to put words on the page or I decided #selfcare time was more important than writing an unpaid blog. For the past couple of weeks though, it’s been difficult to write these. My therapist would say it’s because I have a habit of giving up on projects when it starts to feel like work, but I would like to think it’s BECAUSE NOTHING GOOD IS FUCKING HAPPENING. Who would have thought that if you base a season of the Bachelor on one of the most boring white men (which says a lot because there’s a LARGE universe of boring white men), that you’d have a season that is about as enjoyable to watch as a child birth video compilation (like clips of the exact moment they’re evicted from the womb).

There is no amount of money you could give me to care about any of these people (ABC)

As an attempt to make up for how character-less Peter and this bunch of incomplete female Sims are, the producers thought they could spice up this season with a little bit of good ol’ meddling. Well that “little bit” of meddling has turned into a full orchestration of manipulation. The producers’ meddling inadvertently generated an endless bill of therapy that will not repair any of the trauma that is associated with the realization that you briefly thought Peter Weber qualified as the “man of your dreams.” Seriously, I think that’s gotta be the biggest bummer for these women. Not that you didn’t get a rose and were ultimately rejected on national TV, but the fact that you whole-heartedly believed that Peter was the man destined to be your husband. Peter Weber is essentially an artificial sweetener of a human being, masquerading as something interesting only to be a fake substitute that you shove into your coffee because you want to lie to yourself that cutting back on sugar is what will help sort your life out.

If you’re still a Peter Weber apologist and you’re leaking at the crotch at the sight of that mid-tier frat philanthropy chair of a man, that’s okay. I will respect your opinion. All I ask, is that you do me a MASSIVE favor. Stick your arm out.

No for real, extend your arm out right now.

Look at your hand, and ball it up for me.

Balled up? Good!

Now take your balled up hand and connect it with your face as hard as you can.

If didn’t knock any sense into that empty cranium of yours, repeat the actions I’ve listed above until you finally knock the horny out of your head and inflict enough sense into your mind to realize Peter Weber might be one of the worst bachelors of all time…

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to not only write these blogs, but make them funny because I truly do NOT care anymore. I really don’t. This season is so impressively awful. Peter is awful. This cast of women are awful. Even the drama isn’t juicy and compelling. It feels like you hired a group of gentrifiers to reenact the scandals of Tik Toking teenagers (no shade to Tik Tok, that app slaps). This season is a shit pie. The crust is shit. The filling is shit. Everything is shit. Peter is so evidently over his head that I’m flabbergasted by how ABC seriously thought that he would be the safe decision.

A bunch of you thots told me that Peter was going to be a great bachelor at the beginning of the season, just for you to avoid making eye contact with me because you can’t bare to witness me screaming “I TOLD YOU SO” right in your dumb faces. Some of you are still coming to his defense saying “well he has the worst bunch of women…” “Can you blame me? Peter is so cute!” Sure… Continue to make excuses for mediocre white men and allow them to continue being mediocre because you find them cute. The rest of us don’t deserve to suffer through this season just because your nights have become so absent of dick that Smokey the Bear is warning everyone that there’s very high fire danger from your parched crotch. This is a gender-neutral insult, I’m just assuming that if you’re still defending Peter you must be desperately thirsty & dry. I’m about to hose down your face with some water to quell your DANGEROUSLY horny levels because you need to come to reality with the rest of America. This season is almost universally considered a bag of hot, steaming pile doggie dookie to the point where Peter had to make a statement in an E! interview.

I love that Peter’s fake half Cuban ass had the audacity to low key be like “ya bitches need to focus on ya’s own pathetic lives instead of dragging me for all of the extremely bad decisions I’ve made.”

Remember a few weeks ago when ABC gave us five FUCKING hours of this shit?!? Nobody asked for five hours of Peter Weber. Not even Peter Weber’s mom asks to spend five hours of her time with Peter. At first I thought it was because of scheduling reasons, but now I’ve realized it’s because even the network has come to the conclusion that we all wanna get through this insufferable season as quickly as possible. Let’s speed this shit up and get this over with. There’s only two episodes left and finding the strength to power through them feels a lot like when somebody hands you a shot even thought you’re no longer in your early twenties. You pinch your nose because that somehow helps with swallowing Fireball, even though you hate Fireball (because you’re an adult). You specifically asked not to do a shot, especially not Fireball, but that’s what you get for going out for drinks with that wild buddy from college who got too many DUIs and calls themselves a CEO even though all they have is a real estate license.

Honestly I made this meme and never posted it so I’m putting it in this blog so somebody appreciates it

Regardless of how unhappy we are all, this is unfortunately the season we must deal with until Bachelorette starts. I swear to God, if ABC chooses any of these final women to be the next Bachelorette, I’m taking a one-way flight to LA and slapping the ash off of whichever producer green-lit the decision. Until we find out who the next lucky gal is, it’s two more weeks of this pathetic shit. Two more weeks that we’re force feeding ourselves because although we’ve lost interest, we’re dying to find out WHO THE FUCK IS PETER’S MOM CRYING ABOUT?!? It’s the fence jump all over again, except instead of Colton somehow not getting robbed in the dead of night, it’s some “Cuban” lady crying a river about probably Madison.

Now by this point I’m assuming you’ve read about all of the different theories. Some speculate that Peter will end up with Hannah B. Some speculate that Peter ends up with one of the producers. By this point, I want Peter to propose to Victoria F, so then he can suffer for the rest of his life in similar fashion to how I had to suffer through this atrocious season. How the hell did we get to the point where the horniest bachelor is left with a religious virgin, a manipulative gas-lighter, and a girl so young that he parents needed to co-sign her permission slip to be on the show? I can’t blame Peter for not picking women if he’s not into them. At the end of the day, we’re not Peter. Just because we think a woman on the show is a total catch, doesn’t mean the chemistry between her and Peter is strong. You could be dating someone who checks every box on paper, but if the chemistry isn’t strong the relationship will fall apart or you’ll resent giving them valuable years of your life.

Peter’s chemistry has lead him to Victoria F, a narcissistic abuser with a HISTORY of sleeping with married men, often the men who WERE MARRIED TO HER FRIENDS. LIKE SHE ATTENDED THE WEDDINGS AND THEN SLEPT WITH THE MEN LIKE IF SHE DIDN’T JUST WITNESS HIM READ HIS VOWS. How heartless and cold do you have to be to attend your friend’s wedding and then afterwards fuck your friend’s husband?

Cheating is an awful, incredibly selfish thing you could do to someone and I want to make it clear that the first person to blame is the married men. I’m always flabbergasted that we often neglect to get angry at the cheater, but rather focus the outrage on the mistress or side dick. For the record, both are to blame. These men are monumentally shitty for breaking their vows and cheating on their wives and Victoria F is monumentally shitty for being the type of person who gets a thrill from sleeping with committed men. Peter brought up these rumors to Victoria and she instantly exhibited symptoms of narcissistic abuse and emotional manipulation that was easy for us to detect because we’re on the outside looking in. Hot take: we all often say we’re too blinded by our affection for someone to notice red flags, but I would beg to differ. I think we all have a good enough idea about the red flags of someone we’ve begun dating, but simply choose to ignore them or look past them because of the excitement of dating someone new. We lie to ourselves saying “it’ll be fine” or that it won’t be an issue until it gets to a boiling point where there’s no turning back.

This is especially dangerous to do when you’re dating toxic individuals like Victoria F. Manipulative and toxic individuals will never take responsibility for their actions and will always look to place the blame on you. I mean, how dare YOU for trying to call out their behavior? Don’t you love them? Love means you completely overlook how their actions are damaging you, both mentally & emotionally, and realize that it‘s ridiculous to ask them to take ownership of their toxic actions. Who are you going to listen to, your friends who’ve trusted for years or someone you recently met (*this is obviously sarcasm*)?

Watching this triggered me personally because I’ve had experience with a toxic individual who still to this day refuses to take any ownership for the manipulative things they did. In the moment, I played off the behavior and continually made excuses for them, in similar fashion to Peter. That’s why as much as I hate that Peter has kept Victoria around, I also totally get it. You get so laser focused on how the good periods feel that you become blind to the fact that there’s so much bad surrounding the little bit of good. I whole-heartedly hope that in hindsight, Peter is able to watch this season and spot all of the signs so that he can be sure to he’ll never allow himself to be in a situation like this again.

Weird how Victoria’s fear of heights has “magically” disappeared… (ABC)

Peter’s chemistry has also lead him to Madison, who was STRUGGLING through the fact that apparently people fuck on this show. If only there was some way for her to know about this beforehand… Here’s the thing, in no way shape or form will I ever shame Madison or anybody else who chooses to save themselves for marriage. I’m a firm advocate and believer of “it’s your body, you dictate what you want to do with it.” If you want to get your back blown out by an ex-frat star in every state in this country then by all means, it’s your body and you should be able to choose to do whatever you want with it. Period. No shame. At the same time, if Madison chooses to not have sex with anybody until she’s married then by all means, it’s your body and you should be able to choose to do whatever you want with it.

I’m not shading Madison for wanting to stay a virgin while on the show. What I am shading Madison for is handling the situation the way she did. She KNOWS how this show works. She KNOWS there’s the overnight dates. She KNOWS that this bachelor’s gimmick from the beginning is that he’s the HORNIEST BACHELOR OF ALL TIME. You’re truly going to be shocked that a man who’s only appealing factor was that he popped pussy four times in a windmill wants to smash? The fuck did you think they were doing in that windmill, playing Yahtzee? Look, maybe Madison went on the show thinking she wouldn’t make it far or thought “future Madison can worry about it.” Well now she has to worry about it and baby gurl is distressed.

Choosing to save yourself for married is something I will respect, but I think Madison fails to realize that when you make a decision to do that it’s important to date someone who is aligned. This isn’t even a “Peter is too horny” thing. Sex is a crucial aspect of any relationship and can be the determining factor of why a couple falls apart. Peter is valid in being afraid that he might commit to someone just to find out they aren’t sexually compatible. Yes he’s a horny bastard, but it isn’t outrageous to want to see how sexually compatible you are with someone before committing. Having fun together and making out doesn’t necessarily equate to the sex is going to be good. To ask Peter to not have sex with the other women is kind of unfair to the other women. This is a TV show. They all went onto the show knowing how the fantasy suites work. It’d be one thing if this was real life dating, but you all knew damn well this is what happens during fantasy suites. Also fuck Auburn, Auburn sucks..

I’m not going to write more paragraphs about Hannah Ann because who cares.

Anyways the Women’s Tell All is tonight. Kelley wasn’t invited, but she’ll be watching from home like the rest of us. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this stupid blog, I hope you get a rose tonight.

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Chris Mejia

Delusional sports fan and messy Bachelor/Bachelorette viewer. These are my hot takes.