Why Your Bachelor Sucks 2: Alayah Strikes Back

Peter you stupid sack of shit.

I always speculated that this season of the Bachelor was going to be a whirlwind of shitty antics orchestrated by the producers while the emotional rag doll of a human-being, aka Peter Weber, tries his best to keep his horny levels under control. Some people speculated that because Peter’s personality is about as eccentric as a bottle of Michelob Ultra, his season was actually going to focus on the love and dating aspect of the Bachelor. Instead of a romantic journey, we’re suffering through a group of women just bukkake-ing their drama all over Peter. The producers immediately recognized that with a vanilla bachelor, love won’t drive the ratings and they decided to play the role of puppet master in manipulating as much emotional & psychological damage to everyone on the show as possible.

You know what’s wild? None of the women get paid to be on the Bachelor. Contestants on the Bachelor & Bachelorette do not get paid to be on the show. If you’re the star of the season you’ll be raking in a 100 stacks to have America watch you bumble your way into finding the love of your life, but everybody else is fighting to win either a potential future as a social media influencer or getting engaged (which statistically may not last). I bring this up because if you think about it, imagine how batshit insane it must be for the regular, emotionally healthy women this season who abandoned their lives to be on a show where Peter, who is a 8 at BEST, causes you emotional turmoil and creates self-doubt because the fake fuck Alayah wants to become famous. Sure, you got to be on TV and got enough IG followers to quit your job to become an influencer, but now a good portion of your Flat Tummy Tea sales go down the drain to pay for the therapy you’ll need to recover from all the plane pun PTSD you acquired.

During the first episode I thought Peter was human, making mistakes, but nothing too out the ordinary. Fast forward to episodes three and four, Peter is proving to be an indecisive idiot who equates “she makes my penis tingle” to an authentic emotional/romantic connection. We all know a fuck boy, the kind that will gas you up and make you feel like they’re genuinely interested in you when in actuality they’re just trying to bag & tag your cheeks along with all the other single woman who is within a reasonable Uber ride distance. Peter is almost worst than that. Peter is so over his head this season that every time he tries to do the right thing, he somehow makes the absolute WORST decisions that cause the most damage. It’s almost impressive. MY MAN TRIED TO QUELL BEEF BETWEEN ALAYAH AND VICTORIA P BY SITTING THEM DOWN TOGETHER, SNITCHING ON THE WHISTLEBLOWER, AND JUST EXPECTED THE ENTIRE CAST TO HOLD HANDS WHILE A RAINBOW SHOOTS OUT OF HIS PANTS. Peter has about the same level of grace and delicacy as the Kool-Aid man anytime he enters a party.

Last week’s episode came in hot with ABC letting the entire cast of women know that they don’t give a single fuck about them because their first stop on the Bachelor tour was Cleveland, OH. Somehow the ABC producers managed to find a city that was about exciting as Peter Weber. I don’t care how madly in love I may be with someone, if they asked me to go to Cleveland in order to continue dating them, I’m breaking up with them on the spot. How dare you fix your lips to make that request in front of me. Jesus loves me too much for you to bring my racially ambiguous ass to god-forsaken Cleveland. Also a big fuck you to ABC for wasting the little free time I have with footage of Cleveland that attempted to make the city seem habitable. Cleveland isn’t a habitable place, at best it’s just the town you move to because you didn’t pull out while hooking up with a Kaylee or Maekayla, got her pregnant and eventually married her because her dad is a pastor and he’ll be damned if his unwed daughter is seen in public with a pregnant belly. Cleveland is just a collection of Golden Corrals and shopping centers whose bougiest store is a Old Navy. The city is so shitty that none of the cast members could even attempt to seem excited about the announcement for a solid three seconds:

FUCKING LMAOOOOOOOO.

Honestly if you want the Cleveland experience without going to Cleveland, just visit your nearest Applebees around last call and you’ll find the same amount of failure, depression, and “I’ve settled in life” energy as you would in that garbage shithole of a city. Peter and ABC tried to gas up Cleveland in the same way your ex probably gassed up going to the sports’ bar with his bros. “It’ll be fun! We’ll have drinks, there will be TVs, fries you love fries babe!” Man… Peter really tried to hype up Cleveland. Imagine being the woman who wins it all… Imagine getting engaged and signing into a life of getting dicked down by a man who finds Cleveland exciting… For fuck’s sake, Peter is about as exciting as a pair of cargo shorts that made a wish to become a real boy. That’s how fucking terrible his personality is. Any man who finds Cleveland exciting is NOT going to give you good dick. Sure, Peter is going to give you four servings of dick in a matter of 48 hours, but that’s probably because the quality of that dick is equal to one good dick down session. This is why you need to be careful about being amazed by the “four rounds in a windmill” thing. Quality over quantity ya.

Moving on, everybody’s favorite White Lives Matter model Victoria F got the one-on-date and revealed that apparently she must have slipped into a coma when it was mentioned that Peter was a pilot because she was shook that Peter wanted to fly around with her in a plane *gasp*. After the private flight, Peter takes her to Cedar Point (which is the only reason I’d ever want to go to Ohio) and forces her to go on more rides despite the fact that she is deathly afraid of heights… Well… Or maybe she lied because according to her Instagram she’s dabbled with skydiving:

“i’M aFrAiD oF hEiGhTs”

After enjoying the thrill rides that Cedar Point has to offer, the couple celebrated their newly gained romantic trauma with the Bachelor tradition of bringing on some C- list country star. The devil may work hard, but the Bachelor producers work harder because they booked Chase Rice WHO IS VICTORIA F’S EX. PRODUCERS YOU PROBLEMATIC AND GIGANTIC MESSY BITCHES, HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU STOOP SO LOW TO BOOK A MUSICIAN TO PLAY A LOVE SONG IN FRONT OF HIS EX WHILE SHE’S ON A DATE. Look at these lyrics:

These lyrics are the bastard child of a Busch Light and a 3 a.m. “I miss you” text

The funny thing about this is that as shitty of a gig it may be to have to play this song in front of your ex and her date, this is 1000% no where near the WORST show Chase Rice has probably performed. Like sure, he’s going to need some therapy to remedy the internal damage, but at least he got a nice check from ABC that he can use to bury his feelings with material items or apparently the latest batch of barely legal Tar Heel teens:

I blurred out the handle and pics because I don’t snitch on my sources.

Speaking of slimy behavior, I read about some dirt of Victoria F that I’d love to share, but I’ll just wait to see if she makes it far in the season before revealing. You probably know what I’m referring to, but I don’t want to accidentally spoil anything so I’ll wait.

ABC then tried to milk the false premise that Cleveland is a “sports town” by having the group date revolve around a friendly game of tackle football. The girls were split into two teams and the winning team got to celebrate the dub with Peter while the other team goes back home to the best hotel ABC could find in Cleveland, so probably a Ramada or Best Western. The game ended in a tie, which is incredibly disrespectful. ABC let these girls give each other CTE damage for a full four quarters just for none of it to matter. Fun fact, the NFL introduced overtime in 1974, which made it possible for a game to end in a tie. Since implementing the rule, only 25 games have ended in a tie since 1974. Ties rarely happen and ABC LET THEIR BUM ASS FOOTBALL GAME END IN A TIE. These poor women had to get ready for a cocktail party with very visible bruises (and some potential brain damage) just to have Alayah come in and ruin EVERYTHING.

Remember Alayah? She’s the blatantly fake pageant girl who came on the show instantly rocking the same negative energy as the ugly step-sisters in Cinderella. I don’t think toxic femininity is a thing, but if it was it would 1000% be Alayah. Alayah seems like the type of girl who gentrifies neighborhoods for sport. It’s safe to assume that Alayah’s purpose in life is to become that unlikeable woman in those old 90’s romcoms where Steve Guttenberg is about to marry some total bitch and Mary Kate & Ashley have to convince their dad that the real love of his life is their babysitter. Alayah’s purpose in life is to become Mary Kate & Ashley’s evil step mom. Everybody with a minimum amount of brain cells can tell that she’s manipulative and fake, yet Peter is so horned up that he can’t see past her tits to notice any of the red flags.

Alayah watched and thought it was an inspiring film

Peter originally vetoed Alayah off the show after almost the ENTIRE cast told him she was bad news. After denying her a rose, Peter instantly started to have regrets because he realized he was no longer going to be able to have sex with her. The producers invited Alayah back on the show because they don’t give a FUCK about any of the contestants’ mental health and Peter is blinded by his love (see sexual attraction) for Alayah. He had the audacity to give Alayah, a girl who was already kicked off the show, the group date rose WHEN SHE DIDN’T HAVE TO PLAY A SINGLE DOWN IN THE FOOTBALL GAME. PETER YOU DUMB FUCK. ALL OF YOU WHO THOUGHT PETER WOULD BE A GOOD BACHELOR FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO ME RIGHT NOW. I HOPE YOU FEEL STUPID. I HOPE YOU REALIZE HOW STUPID YOU WERE FOR THINKING PETER, WHO IS JUST A RALPH LAUREN SHIRT THAT FREAKY FRIDAY-ED WITH AN AMERICAN EAGLE EMPLOYEE, WAS CAPABLE OF BEING A GOOD BACHELOR.

It would be one thing if Alayah never left the show, but bro you didn’t give her a rose. She should be gone. It’s incredibly disrespectful to the women who are still on the show that you’re going to have this much focus on a woman you already technically rejected. Peter basically made it very clear to all the women that despite their warnings, he’d much rather value Alayah’s word than trust any of the warnings they tried to give him. Imagine being one of the girls who barely got any face time and you find out that a girl who’s already lost is netting more time with the Bachelor than you, A WOMAN HE ACTUALLY GAVE A ROSE TO. Honestly if I was on the show, I would have walked out. Everybody deserves to be with someone who truly values you, your opinions, and recognizes how great of an opportunity it is to be with you. Picture telling the guy you’re dating “hey that girl you used to talk to is toxic,” he claims to believe you, and then he tells you he’s canceling date night with you to revisit his relationship with said toxic girl. IRL, you’d scream “boy bye” and blast some Billie Eilish (not an insult, her album is fire) to drown out your feelings, but since Peter slung that dick four times ya are still defending his trash ass. I’m disappointed in all of you. Mike should have been bachelor.

Some other key things I want to quickly touch:

  • Kelsey surprised us all with a mature ass moment of accepting that Alayah is back on the show. Kelsey made the grown ass point that if she were to win Peter’s heart, she wants to know that he has no regrets and he truly gave everyone a shot before choosing her. Bravo Kelsey, it’s almost like you weren’t the same girl who had a Worldstar moment over champagne.
  • Mykenna literally goes 0.3 seconds without talking to Peter and starts crying like if she found out her family died. This girl needs to get off the show. No seriously. I legitimately don’t think she knows her self-worth. I don’t know how toxic her last relationship was, but personally I’m thinking this girl does NOT need to be trying to date ANYBODY. She needs to learn to love herself and date herself first. She does not exhibit any symptoms of someone who is capable of loving themselves and if you can’t love yourself, how can you be capable of loving someone else? Stop allowing your worth and happiness to be determined by someone who is also dating 20 other women in front of you. When you have self-love and know your worth, a good romantic partner essentially becomes someone echoing how you already feel about yourself. Praying for you girl.
  • Deandra was an impeccable queen when she took the time to make sure Peter knew how disrespectful it was to bring Alayah back on the show. Also I would let Deandra fist fight my mother if it meant she would know I existed.
  • Shiann put her team on her back and went full Patrick Mahomes in the football game just to let Victoria P steal Peter right off the bat. You hate to see it.
  • VICTORIA P YOU WERE OUR KEY WITNESS IN THE TRIAL AGAINST ALAYAH AND YOU FUCKING BLEW IT. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU LET US DOWN LIKE THIS. YOU’RE A DISAPPOINTMENT.
Dear Victoria P

Alright, that’s all I got for this week. We didn’t get a rose ceremony last week, so get ready for tonight’s episode to fly through the ceremony like if we didn’t wait 7 god-given days to see how this shitstorm is going to pan out. I’m sure we’ll get 5 minutes of the rose ceremony, followed by 40 minutes of Peter ruining every potential relationship because of how much he’s enamored by Alayah, and then the remaining 75 minutes will be commercials. Anyways thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope you get a rose tonight.

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Chris Mejia

Delusional sports fan and messy Bachelor/Bachelorette viewer. These are my hot takes.