Why Your Bachelor Sucks: Mike Should Have Been The Bachelor

  1. Pretty
  2. Pilot
  3. Penis
I care so little about Peter that I don’t even want to put in the mental effort to think of a funny caption here (ABC)
  • Victoria P puked on a motion ride, which is valid, but she tried to pretend that her experience on a Disney ride gave her the worst traumatization. Listen, I never want to make fun of someone’s trauma, but it doesn’t help when ABC did that slow motion edit of the teacup ride as if Victoria’s theme park experience gave her “two tours in Fallujah” levels of PTSD.
  • This entire cast list reads like a sign-up sheet at a SoulCycle class.
  • Despite the fact that Barstool is a cesspool of filth, please see below:
  • I know this is problematic to say, but Hannah Ann 100% seems like one of those people who was pretty their entire lives so they’re terrible in bed because why put in effort when you’re pretty enough to just lie there? Also she tried to play a fast one on us and say “I’m not just hot, I’m a normal girl.” No you ain’t, you modeled in a sonic ad and look like if Kelly Kapowski was a VSCO girl.
  • This show has so many flight attendants on it that I’m pretty sure three different Delta flights had to be canceled because they were understaffed. Add in the hilarious fact that literally NONE of the flight attendants got a rose. Clearly Peter is above dipping his pen in the company ink… At least on national television he is.
  • Maurissa, aka my future wife pls notice me, got sent home on night 1. A damn fucking shame and I’m here for you Maurissa if you need me.
  • Kelley is 27 years old and already an attorney at a law firm that her daddy owns because that’s how white privilege works. Also lmao look at her bio:
  • Her bio reads like if you were playing The Sims, created a white woman, and hit randomize on her attributes.
  • Shoutout to Sydney who was like “I experienced racism in Alabama” and Peter basically responded like “wow…. that’s wild… wanna make out?”
  • Mykenna’s bio mentions “Mykenna has been in one relationship, but she ended it when he became too controlling.” Yeah… No Shit that she’s only been in one relationship, she’s a fucking YOUNGIN. She’s only been alive long enough to be in one relationship. Mykenna is so young that I’m surprised she hasn’t mentioned Paw Patrol when making small talk on what TV shows she’s been binging on Netflix. Also lmao look at this shit in her bio:
  • CHAMPAGNE GATE WAS A FUCKING INSIDE JOB. I mean don’t get it twisted, Kelsey is BATSHIT insane, but these producers are messy bitches who were well aware of how special the champagne was and told Hannah Ann to pop it with Peter. Sprinkle in the fact that there’s free alcohol, it’s a perfect recipe to giving the finger to the idea of cordially speaking to Hannah Ann and instead cussing her out like Cardi B on Instagram. Kelsey took a final “imma go off on this bitch” chug of her wine and blew a gasket in front of Peter who tried his best to be like “I am on both of your sides because I want to bang you both.” The icing on the cake, the piece de resistance was Kelsey trying to play off her Kanye-esque rant by sipping Dom Pérignon straight from the bottle and instantaneously got a champagne money shot.
This moment alone deserves an Emmy (ABC)
  • Victoria F: “omg I don’t know if I can do this modeling thing, I’m just not as confident as the other girls… i’Ve NeVeR dONe aNy mOdEliNg…”
  • Also Victoria F:
  • My money is on Madison for winning it all. Her and Peter are equally as boring and have the personalities of a cup of plastic. Any girl with a legitimate personality and seem like they’d actually be fun to hang out with (aka Tammy) will be eliminated because that’s how this show works. Hannah Ann and Victoria F are definitely making it to the Final Four. Prep Hannah Ann having the fakest cry in the limo when she doesn’t get a rose because she knows it’ll put her in the front-running for the next Bachelorette or Bachelor in Paradise. Like I’m talking CLEARLY obvious over-doing it with the crying in similar fashion to Caelynn when she got dumped by everybody’s least favorite virgin.

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Chris Mejia

Chris Mejia

Delusional sports fan and messy Bachelor/Bachelorette viewer. These are my hot takes.