Why Your Bachelor Sucks: Mike Should Have Been The Bachelor

We’re back. We’re finally back. Everybody’s favorite guilty shit-storm of a pleasure has re-emerged to present another edition of incredibly manipulated love. While Bachelor Nation was busy during the offseason figuratively marching in the streets for Tyler C and/or Mike to be the next Bachelor, ABC execs secretly prepped Peter Weber to be the next grown man to date 20+ women who just celebrated their 21st birthday. Which honestly… Makes sense… Think about it... Tyler C is TOO perfect. You mean to tell me that a former tight end doesn’t slut shame, can comprehend consent, and as a Florida man his only criminal history involves rear-ending a vehicle? If Tyler C would have been the Bachelor, mobs of women would have stormed the mansion to see Tyler C in similar fashion to that scene from World War Z when the zombies storm Jerusalem.

ABC said no to Mike because he’s black. Oh wait sorry, according to their press release it was because “hIm dAtInG dEmI lOvAtO rUiNeD hIs ChAnCeS.” Sure sweetie, or maybe it was because if the Bachelor was black, middle conservative America would have torn a knee trying to hurdle around blatantly saying the n-word when explaining why they don’t like Mike. Which brings us to Peter, an apparently half Cuban pilot who’s about as authentically latin as a chalupa from Taco Bell. If you know me, you know that I’m afro-latino, but nothing about how I actually act & speak is latino so me calling fake on Peter is a classic case of pot calling the kettle black. That said, the second you found out Peter was half Cuban, we all collectively jerked our heads in this exact fashion. Nice try ABC, forcing Peter gyrate his hips over his “la comida favorita” in an attempt to diversify your casting. This was almost as much of a blatant disregard for diversity as when Dreamworks thought we wouldn’t notice Scarlett Johansson wasn’t asian in Ghost in the Shell.

It’s fine though, Peter is a safe choice. He’s not exciting, but he’s a safe choice. He’s a perfect fit for the portion of Bachelor Nation who thinks having “Live, Laugh, Love” sofa pillows is a personality. The most interesting quality that Peter brings to the table is that he slung that dick four times in a windmill. My man gave Hannah the stroke game like his life depended on it and he still lost to a disloyal man whose biggest credit was writing a terrible dog food jingle. While Hannah may have thought sexual stamina wasn’t enough of a reason to give him the rose, the rest of America has been squirting over the idea of Four Pipe Pete. Seriously, if you were to poll Bachelor Nation about what attributes people like about Peter, they’d all start with the letter “p:”

1. Pretty
2. Pilot
3. Penis

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the hype and fanfare about why “four times” in a windmill is a big deal. According the streets, men have been out here giving women the patriarchy and terrible dick for CENTURIES. My heart goes out to anybody who takes dick for pleasure and not for financial and/or career gains. Imagine spending all night having some Chad or Bryce (who’s obviously wearing a backwards cap) complement you with the hackiest pick-up lines, takes you home, gives you a moderate five strokes before quivering on top of you and before passing out he mutters “you know the way out?” Imagine how frustrating it must be to consistently spend 10–30 minutes shaving your garden of eden just to get dick that can’t even last longer than a Lil Nas X single. It’s such an epidemic that the second there’s a hint of a man who can fuck half of the amount of the Fast and the Furious movies in 48 hours, the entire internet has to shut the fuck down because that’s incredibly unheard of. For the record, I’m not saying it’s invalid to like the fact that Peter slung it four times in a windmill. Sex is a critical aspect of any relationship. You could meet the love of your life, but if they had a weak stroke game it could break the strong connection you have. Wanting your partner to be good in the sack is valid and justifiable, that said if the most interesting aspect about yourself is the amount of times you blew out a girl’s back, then how about reading a fucking book sometime?

I care so little about Peter that I don’t even want to put in the mental effort to think of a funny caption here (ABC)

By this point, I’ve transitioned from hate-watching the Bachelor franchise to being legitimately entertained by this dumpster fire of a TV show. Like not even an ounce of irony is going into my viewings of this franchise. I fucking love these shows. I know it’s fake. I know they manipulate the shit out of the cast members. I know they edit each episode into oblivion to paint false narratives and paint innocent people as the villain. I know they get everybody so liquored/wined up that instead of communicating their emotions responsibly, everybody vomits their feelings & insecurities harder than Drake on the song Jaded. And you know what I say to that? I DON’T GIVE A SINGULAR SHIT, GIMME MORE BABY! Ya spent eight seasons watching that fantasy titty incest-athon show on HBO just for it to end in the worst way possible, allow me to divulge in a reality competition where people fall in love in a matter of eight weeks and we all collectively pretend that isn’t a red flag.

Yuh boy procrastinated too much last week so I wasn’t able to finish a recap in time to talk about the trainwreck that was week one. So allow me to bullet point a collection of incredibly wild shit that occurred from week one and two. I will mention that I will NOT be talking about the Hannah and Peter conversation. That is a complex situation that honestly I don’t have the time or patience to type out my feelings on the matter so WE’RE SKIPPING OVER IT.

Anyways here we go about week 2 (and week one I guess):

• Victoria P puked on a motion ride, which is valid, but she tried to pretend that her experience on a Disney ride gave her the worst traumatization. Listen, I never want to make fun of someone’s trauma, but it doesn’t help when ABC did that slow motion edit of the teacup ride as if Victoria’s theme park experience gave her “two tours in Fallujah” levels of PTSD.
• This entire cast list reads like a sign-up sheet at a SoulCycle class.
• Despite the fact that Barstool is a cesspool of filth, please see below:

• I know this is problematic to say, but Hannah Ann 100% seems like one of those people who was pretty their entire lives so they’re terrible in bed because why put in effort when you’re pretty enough to just lie there? Also she tried to play a fast one on us and say “I’m not just hot, I’m a normal girl.” No you ain’t, you modeled in a sonic ad and look like if Kelly Kapowski was a VSCO girl.
• This show has so many flight attendants on it that I’m pretty sure three different Delta flights had to be canceled because they were understaffed. Add in the hilarious fact that literally NONE of the flight attendants got a rose. Clearly Peter is above dipping his pen in the company ink… At least on national television he is.
• Maurissa, aka my future wife pls notice me, got sent home on night 1. A damn fucking shame and I’m here for you Maurissa if you need me.
• Kelley is 27 years old and already an attorney at a law firm that her daddy owns because that’s how white privilege works. Also lmao look at her bio:

• Her bio reads like if you were playing The Sims, created a white woman, and hit randomize on her attributes.
• Shoutout to Sydney who was like “I experienced racism in Alabama” and Peter basically responded like “wow…. that’s wild… wanna make out?”
• Mykenna’s bio mentions “Mykenna has been in one relationship, but she ended it when he became too controlling.” Yeah… No Shit that she’s only been in one relationship, she’s a fucking YOUNGIN. She’s only been alive long enough to be in one relationship. Mykenna is so young that I’m surprised she hasn’t mentioned Paw Patrol when making small talk on what TV shows she’s been binging on Netflix. Also lmao look at this shit in her bio:

“She’s looking for someone who will surprise her with romantic adventures, but will also be ok with it when she wants to go out drinking and dancing with her friends.”

THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW MYKENNA IS BARELY AN ADULT WHEN HER WISH LIST FOR THE IDEAL MAN IS “aye it’s cool if you wanna have gurls night.” Okay obviously I’m going to make jokes, but you can clearly read in-between the lines that has last relationship was HELLA toxic. It seems silly at first, but you can read the blatant hint that her ex was so controlling that “gurls night” was the spark of several arguments. Toxic relationships can turn the bare minimum of gestures to mind-blowing moments. If her ex was that controlling & toxic that she wasn’t allowed to make “cheers” boomerangs with her friends at a bar, then congrats girl for getting the FUCK out of that relationship. That being said, Mykenna can still catch these jokes and her bio reads like if an alien had to guess what a woman in her early twenties would be like.

• CHAMPAGNE GATE WAS A FUCKING INSIDE JOB. I mean don’t get it twisted, Kelsey is BATSHIT insane, but these producers are messy bitches who were well aware of how special the champagne was and told Hannah Ann to pop it with Peter. Sprinkle in the fact that there’s free alcohol, it’s a perfect recipe to giving the finger to the idea of cordially speaking to Hannah Ann and instead cussing her out like Cardi B on Instagram. Kelsey took a final “imma go off on this bitch” chug of her wine and blew a gasket in front of Peter who tried his best to be like “I am on both of your sides because I want to bang you both.” The icing on the cake, the piece de resistance was Kelsey trying to play off her Kanye-esque rant by sipping Dom Pérignon straight from the bottle and instantaneously got a champagne money shot.

This moment alone deserves an Emmy (ABC)

• Victoria F: “omg I don’t know if I can do this modeling thing, I’m just not as confident as the other girls… i’Ve NeVeR dONe aNy mOdEliNg…”
• Also Victoria F:

• My money is on Madison for winning it all. Her and Peter are equally as boring and have the personalities of a cup of plastic. Any girl with a legitimate personality and seem like they’d actually be fun to hang out with (aka Tammy) will be eliminated because that’s how this show works. Hannah Ann and Victoria F are definitely making it to the Final Four. Prep Hannah Ann having the fakest cry in the limo when she doesn’t get a rose because she knows it’ll put her in the front-running for the next Bachelorette or Bachelor in Paradise. Like I’m talking CLEARLY obvious over-doing it with the crying in similar fashion to Caelynn when she got dumped by everybody’s least favorite virgin.

Okay, there’s more I want to talk about, but I have zero motivation to write it out. Tune in tonight for the latest edition of Peter’s horny exploits as we learn what new and incredibly corny way can they make sex/pilot puns. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope you get a rose tonight.