Why Your Bachelor/Bachelorette Sucks Pt. 1
Okay I had to delete & rewrite the intro to this piece like 80 times because it had a bunch of expositional bullshit that honestly is a waste of time. If you clicked the link to read this article, then you’re well aware of the messy pile of entertainment the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is. You watched the latest season of The Bachelorette where America watched Hannah Brown spend nine weeks blatantly ignoring all the red flags as she continually convinced herself that Luke P, aka the future deacon at the Westboro Baptist Church, wasn’t a Chicken-Fried Psycho, but rather a well-meaning religious hunk. To her defense, who woulda thought you could pack so much misogyny in a oompa loompa sized man?
Honestly I feel bad for the girl, I mean she had a season that was hands down one of the messiest train wrecks I’ve seen on television, and I say this well knowing that a grown woman shit herself on MTV’s Flava of Love. Most Bachelorettes only have to brace themselves for one villain, but our southern belle had to keep it together while dealing with Macklemore if he was an Amazon employee, Hitler’s wet dream, and the poster boy of every guy at your church youth group who pulled out a guitar because he thought playing a cover of “Hey There Delilah” was going to smooth things over with the ladies.
Side note, I know I should refuse to spend any more time talking about how Jed makes a convincing case on why we should destroy Nashville because last thing I want to do is give that future Rascal Flatts cover band guitarist any additional clout. Jed, I don’t want to knock you for pursuing your dreams when I’m neck deep in the pointless pursuit of chasing comedy, but woo-boy it’s evident all you’ll end up doing is playing hip-hop acoustic covers at some shitty cabana bar in South Tampa while soon-to-be divorcees contemplate cheating on their husbands.
No no no, this article is not about Hannah B (girl I’m praying for you), Luke P, Jed, or the fact that Tyler Cameron is living his absolute best life with a super model in NY. No, this article is about Bachelor in Paradise, a TV show that will make you look at your body count on Bumble and think to yourself “you know what, I’m not doing so bad after all.” If you’ve never seen the show, imagine a college spring break trip except America watches as you try to bang everybody on the trip and the show ends with you getting engaged to whoever fingered you the best. Last week was the premiere of the newest season of BiP and marked my first season watching a gaggle of grown adults try their best to hoe around while simultaneously find the love of their future Instagram influencer life. Actually I forgot a key aspect about this show, everyone on this show is technically a loser from their Bachelor/Bachelorette season. All of the cast members who weren’t good enough to find love get to have another all-expensive paid by ABC vacation in Mexico so that they can fail at finding love again. No matter what you say, if you shame and look down upon anyone who goes on these shows it’s because you’re secretly jealous that all of these people get to “find love” on destination vacations while you met your partner at an Applebees.
I can confidently say that deciding to watch BiP while I wait for ABC to announce Mike or Tyler C as the next Bachelor has been the best damn decision of my life. This season immediately went from 0 to an episode of Jerry Springer, but if everybody had a bachelor’s degree (absolutely no pun intended), and it’s only going to get worse. You truly haven’t lived until you watch someone cry their eyes out on national TV because they had their heart broken, because for that quick moment you forget that you’re in cripplingly student loan debt and your life is a dog pile of terrible decisions on a big floating rock that is slowly dying from centuries of pollution until extinction is finally brought about the human race. If making me forget that reality doesn’t qualify as good television, then I don’t know what to tell you.
Which brings us to the point of this article, lol it’s a blog post, but saying article makes me feel like a big boy wearing big pants. I’m a big fan of the reoccurring series “Why Your Team Sucks” on Deadspin, a series of articles trashing every NFL team, and I figured what better way to get back into the habit of writing than by completely ripping off their concept and using it to trash talk everyone on Bachelor in Paradise. Well… Almost everyone… there’s a lot of people on the show so I won’t talk about EVERYONE in this article, hence the “part 1” in the title. Don’t worry, I’ll be back to trash the rest… Or I won’t… I don’t know, I just got a Switch with Zelda and the fact that I’m writing this instead of playing Breath of the Wild pant-less on my couch is enough validation to the case that I deserve a Peabody award.
So with enough time wasted on stupid exposition, allow me to explain Why Your Bachelor/Bachelorette Sucks…
Annaliese Puccini
The Bachelor Season 22 (Arie Luyendyk Jr., remember that piece of shit?)
Bachelor in Paradise Season 5
I’m so glad to see Annaliese took time out of her busy schedule of dressing up in a racist Party City costume of traditional Indigenous clothes at Coachella to be on this show. For the record, I’m not saying Annaliese has actually ever worn a cultural appropriating outfit at a music festival, but can you look into those SoulCycle eyes and honestly tell me that she doesn’t look like doing something like that isn’t in her wheelhouse?
Annaliese came on the show with three missions:
1. Get some dick
2. Get engaged to said dick
3. Confront Clay for getting back on a reality dating show when he broke off a very serious relationship with her best friend (Angela).
Clay (former NFL player), who we’ll get to later, broke things off with Angela, who he were dating for eight months. They were looking at houses and talking about having kids, things didn’t work out and now Annaliese thinks it’s suspicious that he’s back on this show when he’s unlikely gotten over the love he had for Angela. I want to make it clear, I’m not knocking Annaliese for confronting Clay because to me that screams “ride or die for my homie” behavior. So she doesn’t suck because of that, she sucks because she waited for the literal last second before Clay went on a date with Nicole. And to be extra clear, it only sucks because of poor Nicole, she just wants to have a good time and now the man she’s about to date is jaded because Annaliese looked Clay in his eyes and said “you’re not on this show to find love, no NFL team picked you up so now you felt like you needed to come on this show…”
Oof… Cold blooded.
Blake Horstmann
The Bachelorette Season 14 (Becca Kufrin)
Blake is a textbook case “I got my heartbroken so that’s enough justification to sling this dick like a lasso.” This season’s HPV salesman was ranked high in the BiP draft, absolutely EVERY woman (except Demi) wanted him. I mean I get it, he seems sweet and women find him attractive despite the fact that he looks like a thumb with hair on top. Probably helps that he’s tall. It’s undeniable that in some of the long shots he looks like the human version of the stick bug from Bug’s Life. I don’t have enough time to go into how much of a fuck boy move it was for him to Amazon Prime same-day ship his meat to two different cast-mates in 24 hours or the fact that Caelynn pressured Blake to give up the pipe.
Let’s be clear, Blake doesn’t suck because he had consensual sex with two different women. I’m never going to slut shame someone. You’re single. Be single. If you want to have lot’s of consensual sex with multiple individuals who are on the same page, then by all means get your back-broken in a Marriott. Blake sucks because clearly he dipped his ink into the company pool prior to participating in a show that is supposed to be about finding the one you’ll marry. All hookups with cast-mates are going to do is muddy the waters and make the quest for romance even more complicated (if that truly is what you’re wanting out of this). You clearly didn’t communicate to Kristina that you were enjoying the single life and that’s all their night was. Even if Kristina was on the same page, you gotta be more transparent if you smashed her competitor the next day when all three of you are going to be on the same Mexican beach. Take responsibility for your actions and don’t get upset when you must face the consequences even if it’s “bumming out your mad-pussy hunt.” In the words of Kristina, “man up.”
Cam Ayala
The Bachelorette Season 15 (Hannah Brown)
Every producer at ABC that allowed this rap to happen deserves life in jail without parole.
Katie Morton
The Bachelor Season 23 (Colton Underwood)
Katie Morton is a queen and I will never slander my future wife even if you held a gun to my head. I am more than willing to sell out my family to the government if it meant she would know my name. Though I accidentally read a spoiler about who she ends up with and all I have to say is this:
Kevin Fortenberry
The Bachelorette Season 15 (Hannah Brown)
I didn’t think this was possible, but Kevin somehow has a last name that is thicker than his obviously steroid-filled body. It’s insulting to claim that Kevin looks like a Brand Value version of Tim Tebow because Kevin within two seasons of the Bachelor franchise already has more screen-time than Tim Tebow ever will in his pathetic, minor league baseball career.
Kevin sucks because he’s 100% that dude in high school gym who looked for every opportunity to play shirts vs skins. You remember that schmuck? As soon as the game started they screamed “skins” because their IQ was so low they couldn’t comprehend who was on their team unless they saw their teammate’s nipples. I was a chubby kid who was self-conscious about his sweet A-cups, of course I never wanted to play “shirts vs skins.” It was the bane of my existence the second I’d heard those awful words. They would always yell “skins” even when we were playing sports that didn’t even need that differentiation. Like Kevin, we’re playing golf, put your shirt back on.
Hannah Godwin
The Bachelor Season 23 (Colton Underwood)
Hannah G has the personality of “the cutest girl in your bible study.” Good for her that she’s apparently the hot commodity for BiP this season. Enjoy it, gurl. No offense to her, she’s very sweet and very cute, but she has the personality of a bowl of plain Quaker oatmeal if it got hit by lightning and became anthropomorphic. I feel like a bully saying she sucks, she honestly hasn’t really done anything bad. She was open to Wills about wanting to see other people and she seems to be clicking with Dylan despite his awkwardness. I can’t say she sucks because of the fact that her personality is about as exciting as watching paint dry. Let’s just settle on that she doesn’t completely suck, she’s just forgettable.
Jane Averbukh
The Bachelor Season 23 (Colton Underwood)
Who?
No seriously, nobody knows who Jane Averbukh is.
Not even Jane’s mom knows who Jane Averbukh is.
That’s why she sucks. Also she almost killed John Paul Jones when she baptized his taco in Sriracha. She sucks because she almost committed manslaughter against the most beloved meme in recent Bachelor nation history. Re-evaluate yourself Jane.
Clay Harbor
The Bachelorette Season 15 (Becca Kufrin)
Okay last one because I’m tired, my creative juice is low thus the lack of jokes at this point of the article, and this coffee shop is about to close.
*cracks knuckles*
First off, am I the only who thinks Clay’s voice doesn’t belong in his body? Like it legitimately sounds like Clay Freaky Friday’d with a smurf, but they never did the transformation back.
Second off, I have to point out my bias and say that I won’t be harsh on Clay. He used to play for the Philadelphia Eagles (go birds) and at the end of the day I can’t slander a former Eagle (go birds). After being released by the Eagles in 2013, Clay went on to have brief stints with the Jacksonville Jaguars, New England Patriots, Detroit Lions, and the New Orleans Saints, which means Clay has somehow has bounced around more times in the NFL than the number of women Blake faced sucked on week 1. The NFL is ruthless and honestly it’s a much better career path to become a reality TV star than struggle in the NFL because there’s at least 46% less of a risk of a concussion in Paradise than in the NFL. At least if you suffered head trauma in BiP, America would feel sympathy for you whereas if you get side-swiped by a cornerback in the NFL, you have to endure a sea of conservative out-of-shape 40-year olds ignorantly yelling “stop being a pussy” at you as if you didn’t crash head first into a freight train of a human.
Clay sucks because… I don’t know man, I get that he was in a serious relationship for eight months, but people move on differently than others. My heart is with Angela because I KNOW it’s hard to watch your ex meet new people, let alone watching your ex be oogled by an entire cast of women on a beach on national television. If he’s over Angela, he’s over Angela. Maybe he came on the show because no NFL team picked him up, but I’m not Clay so I can’t say what his true intentions are. I don’t know the full story and I’m positive that the tea about his intentions will spill in the coming weeks. I guess Clay sucks because there’s a chance that he’s pulling a Jed and he’s legitimately on the show for the wrong reasons, which could be very emotionally damaging for whoever falls for him.
Alright, that’s it for now. I’ll be back to roast the rest of these poor devils as they battle toxic, drunk, and horny individuals in a quest to find love. The new episode is tonight and with the previews teasing Mike and Hannah B being on the show, I’m assuming things are about to get even messier. It’ll either be a part 2 or just a simple recap if it’s a hella juicy episode, we’ll just have to tune in and find out. Until then, thanks for reading and I hope you find your paradise.
