Why Your Bachelor/Bachelorette Sucks 2: Electric Boogaloo

  • Christian and Jordan were kicked off the show over a fight that barely would have made it on Worldstar. ABC gave both of them the boot because of their strict zero tolerance policy for violence. You know what ABC? Good job for knowing where the line is and not condoning any violence. The producers of ABC strongly believe that no physical harm should ever occur to anyone that is on the show, however emotional and deep psychological harm is absolutely 110% a-okay. In fact, deeper the psychological scars the better! Scars are never okay unless they’re internal, amirite ABC? Nothing says “we care about our cast” like some camera operator squatting into a bush in order to get the perfect closeup of your emotional rock bottom. Turns out, your mental breakdown will in fact be televised.
  • Jane had a shorter run on Bachelor in Paradise this season than Sean Bean had on Game of Thrones.
  • Nicole channeled her inner Angela Martin from that episode of The Office when Dwight and Andy got into a fight over her. Remember in week 2 when Sydney tried her best to tell Nicole that she needed to stop playing with Clay’s heart? Girl was trying to interrupt a HELLA swoon Nicole like “aye girl I get it, I can tell you enjoyed the date because I’m drowning in your puddle.”
Nicole trying to stop Clay, Jordan, and Christian from having a WWE Smackdown over her
  • Katie self-sabotages like an absolute PRO. She destroys herself in similar fashion to when my dumb, lactose-intolerant self orders extra cheese as if I’m not aware of the impending consequences. Thoughts and prayers your way my queen.
  • Tayshia and John Paul Jones quickly became the couple we all didn’t know we needed in our lives until we witnessed it.
  • Oh yeah, and we learned that Nicole’s singing is about as pleasant to listen to as Jed’s dog food jingle.
Demi 100% has eyes that scream “I would participate in The Purge” (ABC)
If the “where’s my hug” stereotype had a mascot, it would be Cam (ABC)
I know I’m in the minority here, but I think Dean growing a mustache was a good decision (ABC)
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (ABC)
Caelynn is thinking to herself “do I really want the dick this badly?” (ABC)
Dylan is following in Colton’s footsteps of ignoring all red flags to chase after someone who’s not that into you (ABC)
That’s the reaction a woman gives when a man says he’s super into her and she only has his name on her phone as “free food.” (ABC)
Anybody with “ae” in their name is trouble and Caelynn is proof of that (ABC)
Seems a bit poetic that the Russian contestant is guilty of meddling in other people’s affairs (ABC)
Fuck you (ABC)

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Chris Mejia

Chris Mejia

Delusional sports fan and messy Bachelor/Bachelorette viewer. These are my hot takes.