Why Your Bachelor/Bachelorette Sucks 2: Electric Boogaloo

hEy ChRiS wHeRe WaS yOuR wEEk 2 aRtIcLe?

Once again I find myself pointlessly re-writing an intro to a blog article about Bachelor in Paradise as if any of you are even interested in some sort of exposition. You don’t want to know about my day (I didn’t do shit today). You don’t want to know about why I never got around to writing about week 2 (I got lazy). You just want the mess. So let’s just get right into the mess because my name isn’t Blake so I don’t have any time to unapologetically dick around.

I’m going to skip the opportunity to talk about a lot of things that happened during week 2 because it feels like it occurred like 80 years ago and I’ve forgotten MOST of the things that occurred during week 2. Truthfully, as much as I’m adoring the train-wreck that is Bachelor in Paradise, I wish they only had one episode a week instead of two separate 2 HOUR LONG EPISODES. HEY ABC, SOME OF US HAVE LIVES WE WANT TO LIVE. It’s too much, but not so much where I’m going to stop watching. Thank god I didn’t or else I would have missed witnessing Demi not know who Nelson Mandela was. I love Demi, but it’s not the best look when you hear the word “apartheid” and you probably thought to yourself “is that like a sister store of Anthropologie?”

Now I’m not going to spend too much time recapping things because you came here for the unaccredited, psychological analysis on why our eligible singles are the social version of a measles outbreak. So let’s get some quick recap items out of the way and then get right to it:

• Christian and Jordan were kicked off the show over a fight that barely would have made it on Worldstar. ABC gave both of them the boot because of their strict zero tolerance policy for violence. You know what ABC? Good job for knowing where the line is and not condoning any violence. The producers of ABC strongly believe that no physical harm should ever occur to anyone that is on the show, however emotional and deep psychological harm is absolutely 110% a-okay. In fact, deeper the psychological scars the better! Scars are never okay unless they’re internal, amirite ABC? Nothing says “we care about our cast” like some camera operator squatting into a bush in order to get the perfect closeup of your emotional rock bottom. Turns out, your mental breakdown will in fact be televised.
• Jane had a shorter run on Bachelor in Paradise this season than Sean Bean had on Game of Thrones.
• Nicole channeled her inner Angela Martin from that episode of The Office when Dwight and Andy got into a fight over her. Remember in week 2 when Sydney tried her best to tell Nicole that she needed to stop playing with Clay’s heart? Girl was trying to interrupt a HELLA swoon Nicole like “aye girl I get it, I can tell you enjoyed the date because I’m drowning in your puddle.”

Nicole trying to stop Clay, Jordan, and Christian from having a WWE Smackdown over her

• Katie self-sabotages like an absolute PRO. She destroys herself in similar fashion to when my dumb, lactose-intolerant self orders extra cheese as if I’m not aware of the impending consequences. Thoughts and prayers your way my queen.
• Tayshia and John Paul Jones quickly became the couple we all didn’t know we needed in our lives until we witnessed it.
• Oh yeah, and we learned that Nicole’s singing is about as pleasant to listen to as Jed’s dog food jingle.

Alright let’s get right to it in a follow up article to something that won’t surpass the original… Allow me to explain Why Your Bachelor/Bachelorette sucks…

Demi Burnett

The Bachelor Season 23 (Demi’s season)

Demi 100% has eyes that scream “I would participate in The Purge” (ABC)

lol you really think I’m going to slander the queen of Bachelor nation?

Demi was originally labeled as a “villain” on her season of The Bachelor. You remember? It was the season that guest-starred Colton Underwood aka the man who is top 3 in least likable virgins behind men with anime Twitter profile pics and everyone who bought a Zune in high school. I didn’t watch Colton’s season because as much as I enjoy this franchise, my depression wasn’t insufferable enough where I wanted to suffer through nine straight weeks of virgin puns. I just assumed everyone calling her a villain was correct and braced myself to hate her on BiP, only to find out all publications calling her a bad person were committing libel and deserve to be shutdown.

Shoutout to Demi, aka this season’s Bicon, because she took the courageous step to come out and declare that she’s sexually fluid and no longer wants to be afraid about expressing who she truly is. Disclaimer: when talking about Demi’s situation, I realize I’m speaking from an outside point of view. I have no idea what it’s like to be in Demi’s situation. When it comes to sexual orientation, I’ve always been confident about what I am. I’m clocking in at about 76% straight while 18% of me wants to ignore all potential romantic/sexual relationships to dedicate 100% of my time to being a dog owner, and the remaining 6% just wants to eat cheese (in a non-sexual way you perverts). I do not relate to Demi’s situation, but don’t won’t stop me from fully supporting her and the rest of the LGBTQIA homies out there who are just trying to be themselves in peace. I was happy to see that when she revealed this to Derek, he was receptive and wasn’t bigoted in his reaction. It takes one thing to open up to your partner about anything personal, let alone opening up about something that people historically have literally been fired, kicked out of families, persecuted, harmed, and killed over. More power to Demi for realizing she doesn’t want to be this “fake persona” and wants to start being more open about who she really is.

With that said, Demi sucks because of how this whole “Kristian” situation played out with Derek. Here’s the thing that we have to be honest about, if this situation was flipped and it was a guy with somebody back home, we’d be roasting him to oblivion (like with Jed). Now to be fair, because I’ve always been confident in my sexual status, I have NO idea of what’s it’s like to be in Demi’s situation of transitioning from being closeted to being open about who you are. I don’t know if there’s some sort of internal mental battle that is going through her head that may have led to the reason why she downplayed her relationship with Kristian. That isn’t me being “overly PC” or me falling into a “double standard,” I’m just being aware that there’s an element to this situation that doesn’t make this as black & white as it normally would be.

For the record, I’m not excusing Demi for the involuntary damage onto Derek. Like as great as it is for Derek for being receptive and wanting Demi to be happy, it’s still a stab to the heart to have the person you’re falling for let you go and date their true love right in front of you (like immediately). Sure, Derek will eventually be fine; he’ll either find someone new in Paradise or ABC will groom him perfectly to become the next Bachelor (bitch it better be Mike, but honestly I’ll take Derek over Peter). To Demi’s credit, sometimes you truly don’t know how you feel about someone until you’re either with someone else or you’re away from them. I do believe that Demi is telling the truth that she was undecided about Kristian and truly liked Derek. I do believe Demi was feeling unsure about that relationship and wanted to use Paradise as an opportunity to figure out who/what she wants.

Hot take: it’s a bit questionable that Kristian is now going to be on the show. You mean to tell me that Kristian was just spur of the moment okay with being on a reality show? The producers and Chris Harrison had a change of heart, decided to incinerate the rulebook to allow Kristian to suddenly come onto the show? Sure sweetie. Not to put on a tin foil hat, but I highly doubt that the strength of Demi & Kristian’s relationship was a secret to ABC. In the producers’ eyes, it’s a perfect narrative to have on the show. That said, shoutout to Demi & Kristian, ya finessed the shit out of ABC. You mean to tell me you’re having an all expense paid vacation in Mexico while you fall deeper in love and receive a hefty paycheck from ABC? Secure. The. Bag.

Also I hope you don’t get the impression I’m anti Kristian, I hope the absolute best for both of them. Having sympathy for Derek and supporting Demi are not mutually exclusive.

This Sad, Sack of Shit

If the “where’s my hug” stereotype had a mascot, it would be Cam (ABC)

I’m not going to spend an ounce of time on Cam, just wanted to say that I had 50 bucks on Cam uttering the classic incel line “girls always say they want a nice guy” AND SURE ENOUGH HE SAID “girls say they want a nice guy, butI’m being sent home while Blake gets a rose.” If you feel bad for Cam I’m sure you can shoot your shot when you see his profile on okCupid or e-Harmony.

Dean Unglert

The Bachelorette Season 13 (Rachel Lindsay)

Bachelor in Paradise Season 4

I know I’m in the minority here, but I think Dean growing a mustache was a good decision (ABC)

Moving out of LA to voluntarily live in your van is apparently not enough of a red flag to stop Caelynn from thinking “I want to be dicked down by a man whose address is equivalent an UberPool.” I can’t believe Caelynn has concerns about Dean’s commitment issues *sarcasm*. The man couldn’t even commit to a lease, let alone a relationship. Our resident hobosexual only came on the show because he would be out of his damn mind pass down the opportunity for consistent access to showers and a working toilet. Imagine having your entire hygiene regiment being solely dependent on your friends answering your text messages. Don’t get me wrong, if you’re living in a van because that’s your only financial option, then absolutely NO shade to you. Dean is not one of those people. Dean is a classic example of several nature bros I’ve met in Seattle who watched Call of the Wild too many times and tell me “stop caring about material possessions, happiness stems from being one with nature” while wearing a $200 jacket from REI. Dean 100% also seems like the kind of guy who would use a Cliff bar wrapper as a condom and have sex with you while wearing Vibrams.

Dean sucks because he’s clearly being emotionally manipulative with Caelynn. Caelynn knows he’s a player and Dean knows SHE knows he’s a player. He knows that while she may be falling for him, she has concerns about his loyalty and that with every new girl, she may lose him in an instant. Instead of letting Caelynn know that she has nothing to worry about, he takes every single opportunity to make her jokingly believe that he’s going on a date with the latest model to stumble onto the beach. Dean is an organic shit stack because he finds it funny to cause Caelynn to doubt her self-worth. There are definitely people who express love for someone through jokes, but if you’re making jokes that stem from someone’s insecurity you’re a bag of decaying horse dicks.

I will say, I am thankful for Dean being on the show. If it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t get to witness this beautiful moment during week 2:

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (ABC)

And let’s not forget Caelynn’s beautiful reaction to Dean describing the complexity of his hygiene habits:

Caelynn is thinking to herself “do I really want the dick this badly?” (ABC)

Tattoo this reaction on my chest please.

Dylan Barbour

The Bachelorette Season 15 (Hannah Brown)

Dylan is following in Colton’s footsteps of ignoring all red flags to chase after someone who’s not that into you (ABC)

Dylan sucks because he forced America to watch a safe-for-work version of a cuckold softcore porn. Dylan basically endured the IRL version of when your crush texts you they’re staying in tonight and then you see their IG story is full of them taking flirty selfies with some frat star while you’re at home binging Euphoria. Dylan, bruh, you have a lot going for you. You’re an attractive dude, you seem nice, and it appears that you have your life together. You’re on a beach full of singles hell-bent on getting wet & engaged. Sure, he wanted to fight for Hannah, but fighting shouldn’t mean you’re forced to watch your crush air-hump your rival while being serenaded by a poorly paid mariachi band.

Fast forward to Dylan finally getting the chance to take Hannah G on a one-on-one date and tells her he’s falling in love with her. Awww, isn’t that so romantic? He mustered up the courage to admit his feelings after dating her for mont-

*earpiece beeps*

What’s that?

They’ve only been together for a week?

……………

Na that’s not weird at all…

At least when Dylan opened up about his feelings, Hannah G reacted in a way that screams “I’m falling for you too and in no way, shape, or form should you speculate that I am not on the same page as you.” Cue the screenshot of her reaction:

That’s the reaction a woman gives when a man says he’s super into her and she only has his name on her phone as “free food.” (ABC)

Okay this post is already too long, let’s speed through these final horrible devils…

Caelynn Miller-Keyes

The Bachelor Season 23 (Colton Underwood)

Anybody with “ae” in their name is trouble and Caelynn is proof of that (ABC)

Remember that girl from your high school who kept posting “I hate drama,” but was beefing with 90% of the people in your senior class? That’s Caelynn! Caelynn is what happens when that type of girl never got pregnant at prom and actually managed to leave your hometown.

I firmly believe that Caelynn is not a human being, but rather she’s the product of Professor Utonium mixing a Live-Laugh-Love poster, pair of Lululemon leggings, and some boxed wine into a barrel full of chemical X. Caelynn bamboozled us into thinking she was completely innocent in the Stagecoach scandal until Blake revealed some damning text messages. Hannah B warned us about her, she told us on Colton’s season that she was manipulative and is more than willing to play the victim to get what she wants. Poetic how we ignored Hannah B’s warnings in similar fashion to how she ignored everyone’s warnings about Luke P.

Kristina Schulman

The Bachelor Season 21 (Nick Viall)

Bachelor in Paradise season 4

Seems a bit poetic that the Russian contestant is guilty of meddling in other people’s affairs (ABC)

Kristina gave Blake a rose because if we learned anything from the 2016 election, it’s that bad white men will always prosper thanks to Russia. Now according to Kristina, she claims her decision to give Blake a rose was to force Blake into choosing to live in his own personal hell, which 10/10 for the diabolical planning but 0/10 for the execution.

Blake “I’m Not a Player, I Just Crush a Lot” Horstmann

Fuck you (ABC)

Is it just me, or does Blake dance like if you took one of those waving inflatable tube men that flail in front of a used car lot and covered it with human skin and hair? I mean it makes perfect sense, Blake basically is a human embodiment of a used car. Has too much milage under his hood, basically a scam hiding behind a nice paint job, and has a car-fax that definitely will make you question if he’s worth a long-term investment.

Blake is collecting women on BiP to hook up with like if he’s the sexual version of Thanos collecting infinity stones for his gauntlet. Blake has ruined more women than reproductive legislations in Missouri. For God’s sake, when Jen came onto the show and Blake happily bragged that she didn’t twiddle his dick at Stagecoach the world of science was STUNNED. The best part of his date with Caitlin was the juicy chunk of Blake breaking down his sexual deviancy. The man had to back-pedal several times because HE KEPT FORGETTING TO MENTION THE DIFFERENT WOMEN HE HOOKED UP WITH. Poor Caitlin, she came onto the show to find out the only man available is the ground zero patient for everybody in Paradise having HPV. Blake is such a venereal catch.

I get Blake is trying to enjoy the single life, but if he truly was about Hannah G as much as he claimed to be, he wouldn’t have wasted his time with Tayshia or any of the other women on the show. THE MAN FLEW TO ALABAMA TO SEE HANNAH G PRIOR TO THE SHOW. That’s clearly a sign of how thirsty Blake was for Hannah. Do you know how desperate you gotta be to lay some pipe when you’re flying to Alabama on your free will? Lord in heaven, I pray that I’m never so desperate to get laid that I use my PTO to fly to Alabama to see a woman. Oh wait, sorry my bad, tHEy OnLy kISsEd. Lmao bullshit.

Annnnnnnnd that’s all I got for now. The previews for week 4 are looking spicy and it’s only a matter of time before we gain a new reason to hate any of these individuals. Until then, thanks for reading and I hope you find your paradise.