USF Lost Their Game Last Night and Coincidentally I Lost the Will to Live
Did you know that you get used to the taste of bleach after the fifth sip?
[For full emotional effect click play]
Last night, October 28th, the USF Bulls lost 28–24 to the Houston “Sent from Satan to Emotionally Crush Chris Mejia” Cougars after the Cougs pulled off a horrendous 4th and 24 completion.
No no, you read that right, 4th and 24.
HOUSTON WENT FOR IT ON 4TH AND 24 AND MADE IT. How in the Old Testament Hell does that happen? The only time an offense successfully pulls off a 4th down conversion like that is if a football team is playing a literal sack of potatoes or you’re playing Madden with a nephew who’d much rather be playing Minecraft.
I was streaming the 4th quarter on my phone outside a comedy mic, using up the limited data on my family’s plan because I was willing to crumble the financial foundation of my family to watch USF torpedo my dreams into a furnace. The Bulls got an important 3rd down defensive stop and I came damn close to closing my YouTube TV app because I said out loud “there’s no way they pull this off.”
Houston converts 4th and 24 - ESPN Video
Courtney Lark leaps and snags a 30-yard catch to convert on 4th and long.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAkillmeHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I CAN’T BULL-LIEVE THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED PLEASE END MY LIFE
Now 4th and 24 aside, honestly I don’t pin this loss on the defense. Personally, I thought the defense did well for majority of the game. Houston converting on 4th and 24 is unacceptable, but this is something we should expect when your offense routinely does not deliver and the defense has to go back out on the field. The USF offense this season has been lackluster compared to the past couple of years. Last year Quinton Flowers and Marlon Mack rushed a combined 2,717 yards (aka 1.54 miles), Quinton alone rushed 1,530 yards. Fun fact: the Empire State Building in New York has a height of 1,454 ft tall (484.6667 yards).
Then Willie Targgart left USF to coach in a state where it’s literally illegal for you to pump your own gas and Tampa had to say goodbye to TJ Weist, the man responsible for the most orgasmic & exciting offense I’ve ever seen. Charlie Strong came in and inserted Sterlin Gilbert to take over an offense with so much talent that you could take a A.I. coach from Madden, set to rookie difficulty, and still amass 40 points a game. What we’ve learned this year is that Sterlin Gilbert has less offensive genius than a Chalupa from Taco Bell.
That’s right, I have more faith that a literal “taco” with grade D meat and pencil shavings disguised as cheese made by a sexually frustrated teenager could coordinate an offense better than Sterlin Gilbert. Seriously, this man has every offensive weapon you could ever need and he’s using absolutely none of it. This jabroni is limiting Flowers in order to instead run the exact same up the middle play that SURPRISE DOESN’T WORK AFTER YOU’VE DONE IT A THOUSAND TIMES IN A ROW. “Ask Madden” in the Madden games offers a better playbook than Sterlin Gilbert. It’s so laughable how quickly USF has instant success the second they decide to do literally any other play besides running it up the middle.
I will say, I usually hate it when fans claim that they could do a better job from their couch. Coaching in a high pressure situation is a lot tougher than it seems. It looks a lot easier when you’re drunk off of cheap beer at a local B-Dubs, coaches will make mistakes. I once was playing Madden and I got a first down at the goal line and I took a timeout to stop the clock. Realize the stupidity in that sentence. If you don’t know anything about football, if you get a first down the clock stops. The clock was already halted AND I STILL TOOK A TIMEOUT. It was a move so stupid that the announcers in the video game commented on how ridiculous of a decision that was. Do you realize how terrible of a call you have to make when a game’s A.I. recognizes your colossal ignorance and has to code itself to make sure the commentators point out how dumb you really are? I pulled off that mistake and yet I’m confident that I could still call better plays than Sterlin Gilbert. Know why? BECAUSE I DIDN’T RUN IT UP THE MIDDLE EVERY PLAY AND WHEN SOMETHING FAILED I DIDN’T TRY IT AGAIN 5 TIMES IN A ROW. Okay obviously I wouldn’t be better, but let the sub-par joke happen.
USF is now 7–1 and unranked, if 4 years ago you told me I’d be upset at a 7–1 record I’d punch you in the face. I would have literally sold my soul to a Craig’s List missed connection in 2013 to get a taste of a 7–1 record. Fast forward to 2017 where we were “destined” to have the season of all seasons for USF and yet that 1 loss seems to be (once again) a nail in the coffin of our NY6 Bowl dreams. Technically nothing is off the table, USF could win out and beat UCF to go to the American championship. Around this time last year, USF lost to Temple crushing our hopes of a conference championship and I got so bummed out that I almost ruined a relationship that night. I screamed “SEASON IS OVER” and contemplated which cliff to jump off because there was no way the Bulls could beat ranked Navy and win out the season.
Sure nuff, Bulls pull off a upset against Navy and defeated Memphis, SMU and UCF. I know it’s extremely hard to believe that USF is still in this, but if you win out, beat a ranked UCF team on the road and win the conference the Bulls still have a chance to be seen playing football in one of the coveted holiday bowl games instead of the Applebee’s Half Off Apps Bowl.
Do I think USF could beat UCF? No [he says as he immediately suffers from an aneurysm]. UCF looks ungodly good this year, the Knights practically have USF’s Tom Allen defense with 2016’s USF offense. They’re scary good and honestly should have been ranked ahead of USF a loooooooong time ago. Scott Frost is doing something wonderful in Orlando and Knights’ fans should enjoy every minute of it until a P5 school immediately steals him from them. I still think the War on I-4 will be thrilling this year. In 2013, the Bulls were 2–8 leading into the War on I-4 against Blake Bortles (before he sealed his fate as young Jay Cutler drunk in a Jacksonville bar) and the 19th ranked Knights. The Bulls played surprisingly close to the Knights, deciding the game in the final minutes ending at 23–20. I NEVER would have expected to see that team pull that off, but the 2 win team managed to compete and provide one of the most thrilling games I’ve ever watched.
I will say, I never thought USF would pull off a undefeated season. It was too good to be true. There was no way the football gods would allow me to be that happy in life. I figured we’d lose one game somewhere along the road, but still somehow pull it off. After yesterday’s performance do I still think it’s possible that USF wins the AAC?
USF pulled off winning out the rest of last season after being upset by Temple, there is a possibility of that repeating. It’s really going to depend on how the team takes this loss. None of my anger is directed towards the players, they were failed a coaching staff who thought they could play the season in airplane mode. Who knows, maybe we actually needed this loss to have a very much needed wake-up call? The Bulls still can control their own destiny. Nothing is off the table and you shouldn’t definitely not quit on this team. If yesterday’s loss is all the reason you need to never come to a game again (not like anyone was even going in the first place), then do me a favor and go play in freeway traffic. This weekend sucks, everything seems gloomy and the idea of bathing in fire sounds like the most therapeutic thing right now. But don’t forget that college football is a fickle beast, countless teams get upset and lose extremely winnable games just to bounce back later. We are in the exact same spot as we were in this time last year.
So what am I trying to say in this article that isn’t a good follow-up to my Pulitzer Prize winning Eagles’ article?
Don’t give up on this team. You absolutely have the right to feel frustrated. I know I am. I have little confidence that the Bulls will win out, but I’ve been proven wrong before and hopefully I will be proven wrong again. Until then, I’ll depend on the Philadelphia Eagles to provide me happiness in sports. The Eagles, who are also 7–1 btw, are performing so well that the team on Broad Street has reinvigorated my faith in Christ.
Until next week, let’s all stress-eat the pain away and hope for a better tomorrow…..
Thanks for reading and God help us all,