The Philadelphia Eagles Lost to Seattle and the Spirit of Christmas is Officially Dead
SORRY EVERYBODY BUT CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED
BURN DOWN YOUR STOCKINGS AND SLIP KEROSENE INTO MY EGGNOG BECAUSE MY DECEMBER HAS KICKED OFF WITH THE EAGLES’ FIRST LOSS SINCE 9/17. All I wanted for Christmas was financial security, mental stability and the privilege of sleeping at night knowing that the Eagles were capable of putting the Seahawks in their place. But instead of being filled with the Christmas spirit, a bunch of Grinches disguised as the Seattle football team figuratively stole my “Who Roast Beast” as retaliation for never experiencing sunshine or a general sense of happiness. Despite being the 6-point favorite, the Eagles had their 9-game winning streak brought to a screeching halt by the Seattle “Our Head Coach is a 9/11 Truther” Seahawks. The game was all Seattle with Russell totaling three touchdown passes, going 20–31 and with no turnovers. Although the Wentz-led Eagles offense totaled 425 yards, they were plagued by penalties and turnovers that prevented the Birds from leaving the 206 with the W.
Now for the record, I never had any animosity against the Seahawks until I moved to Seattle and instantly learned how obnoxious the “12s” are. Don’t get me wrong, there are realistic Seattle fans (aka the “good ones”) who will agree when I say that you’ll have a more pleasurable experience dipping your face into a piranha tank than speaking to a 12. 12s (shoutout to Seattle for getting into a legal dispute with Texas A&M for stealing their nickname) are a super-breed of bandwagon fans sent from Satan to ruin the NFL for the rest of us. When the Seahawks lost in the 2016 playoffs to the Carolina Panthers 24–31, 12s took to Twitter complaining that the 10 a.m. kick-off led to the loss and that it was unfair (#fireGoodell for the stupidest reason). 12s also petitioned in 2015 to have Troy Aikman and Joe Buck banned from commentating Seahawks games due to their “overwhelmingly negative remarks.” Look Seattle, I agree that the idea of Troy Aikman being employed seems like a stain on the image of America, but if I gotta suffer seeing Troy Aikman’s poorly 3D printed face on my TV so do you. THEY EVEN CREATED A GOFUNDME TO CONVINCE CIARA TO BREAKUP WITH RUSSELL FOR $50,000 BECAUSE THEY FELT SHE WAS A CURSE ON THE SEAHAWKS.
I once got into an Uber and my driver was wearing a Seahawks shirt, beanie, Seahawks gear hanging from the mirror and a bobblehead of the mascot glued to her dash. After noticing all of the garbage she decorated her car with, I asked “so are you a fan of the Seaha-” and I didn’t even get to finish as I was interrupted with “OH I’M A 12 I LOVE MY HAWKS, LOVE MY BOYS, THEY’RE THE BEST, I’M A 12 IF YOU ARE NOT A 12 GET OUT OF MY CAR.” I respected the passion that my driver had over their team and immediately asked “who was the quarterback before Russell Wilson?” My uber driver, the proud 12, replied “I don’t know….”
12s made me resent everything about the Seahawks and build a eternal hatred for everybody who finds joy from this team. When the Seahawks were trailing the Falcons a few weeks ago, Russell Wilson pulled off an incredible comeback to bring the game down to a 3 point deficit. The Seahawks had the ball with 2 seconds left and the opportunity to bring the game into overtime. Blair Walsh kicked a field goal that was too short and became the second most hated person in Seattle behind Howard Schultz (the man responsible for Seattle moving the SuperSonics). Seattle took the L and I laughed so hard that the joy I received from my laughter combined with the sight of sad hipsters pretending to know about sports cured about 7.64% of my Lupus. My absolute nightmare is seeing this city be filled with pride and excitement over their football team who 90% of them didn’t care about when Matt Hasselbeck wore the uniform. I don’t know much about scripture and the intricacies about the bible, but I’m pretty confident that the circles of hell are the following (9 being the deepest):
1. Limbo
2. Lust
3. Gluttony
4. Greed
5. Wrath
6. Heresy
7. A Seattle bar full of drunk 12s doing their wack ass “SEA-HAWKS” chant as they sip their gasoline flavored IPAs because “IPAs are the true way to enjoy beer”
8. Tacoma, WA
9. Treachery
I was excited and nervous about SNF. Excited because if the Eagles won a tough road game like this it would be a great sign of how the birds may perform in the postseason. I was also extremely nervous because the Seahawks are notoriously dangerous at home, especially in the 4th quarter. Earlier this season when Seattle rallied to beat the Houston Texans 41–38, it was the 23rd time in Wilson’s career (postseason included) that Wilson led a game-wining drive in the 4th quarter or overtime. According to NFL.com, Wilson averages at a 59.6% pass completion rate from the 1st to 3rd quarter, but jumps to a 70.2% pass completion rate in the 4th quarter. It’s like the second the clock hits the last 15 minutes, somebody on the sideline takes Michael’s Secret Stuff from Space Jam and injects it into his blood stream like that scene from Pulp Fiction.
On Sunday the Seahawks didn’t have to worry about a comeback victory because defensively they owned the Eagles. The Eagles offense, one of the top offenses in the league this year, were limited to 3 points for 3 quarters. This was shocking to say due to the Eagles steamrolling Denver, one of the top ranked defenses, in November. The Seahawks were also missing two key pieces to their infamous “Legion of Boom,” Kam Chancellor (neck injury) and Richard Sherman (torn Achilles). Bryon Maxwell and Delano Hill stepped up to the plate and Maxwell enjoyed his revenge against Philly for trading him. It was like as if the Legion never lost a single player.
Carson Wentz tried his best to be the play-maker Philly needed going 29/45, but only resulted in a single TD pass. Multiple times Carson overthrew critical drive-saving passes to Nelson Agholor and Torrey Smith. Carson threw one interception into the hands Bryon Maxwell and Wentz fumbled the ball while trying to rush into the end zone. Wentz was a mere inches away as Sheldon Richardson ripped the ball away and the Eagles’ chances of winning became as non-existent as the Seattle SuperSonics. Although the Eagles defense managed to sack agile Wilson a couple of times, Wilson made the Eagles D look like he was playing Madden on Rookie difficulty.
Honestly the Eagles were due for a loss and I’d rather it be now rather than in January. There were important lessons that needed to be learned from this game. Call me delusional, which I definitely am, but I feel like losing on Sunday increased the Eagles’ chances of having an ideal postseason. Look at the 2015 Bengals, started the season 8–0 and immediately got knocked out of the playoffs. I’d rather have my disappointments now rather than in January or February. This was a test that the Eagles failed at, but the way this team has played this year I don’t think it’s a case of “the Eagles are back to being terrible.” If Philly loses out the rest of the season then you can easily find me shotgunning a container of bleach.
The Eagles take on the Los Angeles Rams this weekend, who are looking good this year with a 9–4 record. “Looking good” is something that I never thought I would say about a team with Jared Goff as their starting quarterback. Jared Goff, if you don’t know, looks like the NFL version of that frat guy who stops you from entering a party asking “who do you know here” while wearing his Vineyard Vines cap that is turned backwards (I didn’t need to say it was backwards for you to already know the hat was backwards).
Until next time, I would like to say congrats to the Seattle Seahawks for winning Sunday Night Football and I sincerely hope that all the terrible things in the world exclusively happen to you. I hope you lose to the Jacksonville Jaguars and your hopes of a postseason begin to fade away like the idea of affordable rent in this city. Thanks for the terrible night, you ruined the beginning of my Christmas season you selfish animals.
Sports are the worst,
Chris
