The Consequences of an Obnoxious David Defeating Goliath
Humanity rang in the new year thinking that 2018 would be the start of bigger & better things. The clock struck midnight and lots of us began to tweet “new year, new me” in hopes that 2k18 would bring fame, fortune and a cease to texting exes while listening to Drake. Then at 12:30 p.m. EST, that carbon-dated tetanus infection of a college called “UCF” decided to murder all sense of justice & righteousness by defeating Auburn in one of the coveted “New Year’s Six Bowls.”
The Auburn Tigers, who we all know & love for constantly choking in the postseason against an out-of-conference foe, decided to show how exactly they “do things in the south” and lost to the Knights 34–27. Despite countless projections that slated the Tigers as the victors, the Orlando team (whose uniforms look like a urinary tract infection that became anthropomorphic) pulled off the upset. In the first half it looked like the Knights would ultimately fall to the esteemed ESE-EEE-CEE foe. The Knight’s sluggish offensive performance resulted in zero points for the Knights in the first quarter.
Depending on where your allegiance lies, this may have been expected as the SEC is notorious for their defenses. Auburn was 15th in FBS for total yards allowed, 17th for pass defense and 32nd for run defense. The Tigers were presumed to be the only defense that would be able to quell the highly productive UCF offense, who averaged 49.4 points a game and had a top 5 ranked offense based on S&P rankings. Despite a bright start for the Auburn defense, the Knights began to shift momentum in their favor in the second quarter as UCF solidified the lead with two field goals and a touchdown. The TD run was done by none other than 7th runner-up for the Heisman, UCF quarterback Mckenzie Milton (QUINTON FLOWERS IS STILL BETTER THAN MCKENZIE MILTON AND I WILL FIST FIGHT YOU OVER THIS). Milton, if you don’t know, is basically if a pair of Sperry’s got doused by radioactive Bud Light, became sentient, rushed a mid-tier frat on campus and learned football.
Auburn, coached by Gus Malzahn who looks like a preacher who wants to outlaw dancing, tried to make a comeback and ultimately fell to the AAC champion. Jarett Stidham of the Tigers went 28/43, throwing for 331 yards with two interceptions and one touchdown. Milton went 16/35, throwing for 242 yards without a single interception and two touchdowns. Without a doubt the true MVP for the Knights was the defense; totaling 6 sacks, a pick-six and a stellar performance from Shaquem Griffin who had a field day with 6 solo tackles (if Griffin doesn’t get drafted we need to shut down the NFL asap).
As a USF fan, the idea of complimenting UCF makes me want to season my food with cyanide and gargle gasoline, but UCF was criminally underrated this year and this game shouldn’t have come as a surprise. UCF was motivated from the playoff committee giving them the cold shoulder and eager to prove their worth. No matter where your opinion lies about their schedule or conference, if you actually watched this team play this year you’d clearly see that Scott Frost crafted a dangerous team. Countless times, teams from the AAC have shown the nation that they can compete & defeat their P5 foes. G5 teams are constantly informed that they have too weak of schedules to be considered legitimate. Yet nobody wishes to schedule games with teams like UCF, USF or Memphis. It’s a lose-lose situation. Beat a AAC team and everybody yawns or lose the game and say goodbye to the idea of a playoff spot. The bottom of the AAC may be a black hole of depression and “wait till basketball season” fans, but it’s time to turn down the P5 bias and recognize that if a G5 team pulls off what UCF did and they deserve respect.
UCF winning was a victory not only for Orlando, but for top tier G5 teams who have been trying to show the world that skill is not a Power 5 exclusive. The NFL may be more solidified on who will dominate who, but in college fooball any program is a game away from being exposed as wildly overrated (shoutout to the Michigan Wolverines for being exposed year over year).
Me being the heartless petty person that I am, I knew UCF winning would benefit the G5 and yet I still wanted them to lose. They’re my rival, why in the absolute hell should I advocate for people who willingly choose to go to school in Orlando? Have you BEEN to Orlando? Don’t get me wrong, I LOOOOOOVE me some Disney and Universal, but the rest of that city is a dumpster fire whose fire exits are blocked by tourists. Have you been to downtown Orlando on a Friday night? There are very few places in this world that could provide a more ratchet environment (TallaNasty still the king) than that “Thunderdome of Venereal Infections” known as the downtown Orlando bar scene. If you were to tell me that downtown Orlando was ground zero for whatever that disease is in The Walking Dead that turned everybody into zombies I wouldn’t even ask you to show your work. I’d blindly believe that.
But everyone told me “blah blah blah it’s better for the G5 blah blah blah let’s stick it to the P5 & the playoff committee blah blah blah in no way will UCF winning result in a over-dramatic mess.”
Well…
UCF won and now they’re calling themselves the “national champs” because they beat Auburn who beat Alabama & Georgia, who will compete in the national title game. It started as some lighthearted trash talk from UCF fans and was almost instantaneously backed by Athletic Director Danny White. Then UCF Football changed their Twitter to “2017 National Champions,” which honestly……. Not gonna lie…….. Was a Twitter move that I can respect. I eat pray love me some obnoxious & delusional sports trash talk, I mean have you seen my Twitter? I wyle out with obnoxious hot takes all the time because I think it’s funny and obviously I’m not being 100% serious. Multiple times I concluded with “scientific facts” that USF was better than most teams due to USF beating a team who beat a better team who beat a garbage team (usually Syracuse) that somehow managed to beat the best team in the FBS. Then in classic UCF fashion, the Knights’ fan base decided to give the finger to acting responsibly, were back on their bullshit and elevated their obnoxiousness to new heights. UCF first announced that they would pay Scott Frost and his coaching staff the “national championship” bonuses. This is a bad look considering that when former player Ereck Plancher died at a practice, the university actively fought to lower the amount of money they would have to pay the Plancher family as a settlement. UCF then started to release promotional material claiming that they’re national champs and plan to hang a banner in that hazardous collection of cement they call a stadium.
SIDEBAR.
I am well aware that USF does not have their own on-campus stadium, but UCF I need you to answer one question:
How is it that you have an esteemed engineering program and yet I’ve seen Lego sets crafted by toddlers with more structural integrity than your stadium? You nicknamed your OCS “the bounce-house” because I’m assuming the idea of inevitable disaster is easier to cope with if you brand it with a cute nickname.
UCF even managed to have a state representative to write a letter to the POTUS to give the title of “national champion” to UCF because Kim Jong-un & his wack fade can wait for five more seconds as we settle more important matters stateside.
UCF even announced that they would be throwing a parade at Disney World.
A parade.
Ya.
An actual parade. At. DISNEY.
And not even one on their campus that is essentially a giant circle because their student body is so hungover from shotgunning cheap beers in that fountain that I assume pumps water poisoned with dysentery. LIKE A LEGITIMATE PARADE AT DISNEY WORLD’S MAGIC KINGDOM.
YOU MUST BE OUT YO’ DAMN MIND IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BRING DISNEY TRAFFIC TO DEFCON ONE FOR A DAY BECAUSE YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE “CHAMPIONSHIP” OVER A FICTIONAL TECHNICALITY.
Thanks to Auburn dropping the ball, I get to look forward to arguing with C. Florida fans about how they are not national champs every time I fly back to Florida to visit. Do you know how hard it is to argue facts with someone whose supporting argument is make-believe? All of this is kind of feeling like a sports version of flat earthers. Don’t get me wrong, UCF is not the first team to claim a title based on technicalities and they won’t be the last. In fact, USF scored 42 points against UCF while Auburn only scored 27. Using UCF’s logic, that means USF has a better offense than Auburn and put up a better fight than Auburn. This obviously concludes that USF is just as good as Auburn, thus meaning USF is better Alabama & Georgia, ipso facto USF > SEC……
So thanks Knights fans, this started as an opportunity to show the world that the AAC is underrated and you’ve managed to make the G5 a laughing stock. You’re like that boy from middle school who finally kissed a girl and instead of being classy about it, you decided to stand on your desk in homeroom, yell “I am the sexiest man alive” and proceed to body slam yourself onto the teacher’s desk like a fan at a Bills Mafia tailgate. I will say, your SUPER extra behavior does have the benefit of a level of exposure that you wouldn’t have received if you kept your mouths shut (so sure, smart move I guess). “Chris you’re just salty that USF lost to UCF.” I mean yes that is true, but for one second can you pretend that you have the capability to act responsibly? You’re going to make it harder for the next G5 team who pops off and needs to be treated with integrity and respect.
Now all jokes & pettiness aside, congrats on your season. Seriously. I hate-watched UCF this season because they looked like what USF would have been if Taggart’s offense had a good defense to back them up. To be honest I wished Scott Frost and Willie Taggart stayed because the USF vs UCF rivalry, with them behind the wheel, would have propelled both schools into the P5. War on I4, as much as I hated the result, was one of the best games I’ve ever watched and I genuinely hope that both schools can continue to be this good. I’m no expert about conference realignment, but I personally believe we both have a better shot of getting into the P5 as a packaged deal than solo. That said, good luck next year with Josh Heupel. Josh Heupel, who in my opinion, looks like a illegitimate child of Ted Cruz.
See ya at the War on I4 next year,
Chris
