Dec 8, 2020Why Your Bachelorette Sucks 3: Pour Some Trauma On MeFirst off, allow me to say that I am aware. I am aware that my procrastination has prevented me from writing this blog during some of the most critical and preposterous weeks in Bachelorette history. The ABC producers pulled a coup d’état on Clare. Tayshia stepped in to show America…The Bachelorette8 min readThe Bachelorette8 min read
Nov 5, 2020Why Your Bachelorette Sucks 2: Clare Crawley and the Curious Case of Being DicknotizedRight off the bat, allow me to say that I’ve made a giant mistake. A mistake that a reader of my previous blog so kindly pointed out and highlighted within the literal first sentence: Who would have thought it would have only taken a single week to come to the…The Bachelorette13 min readThe Bachelorette13 min read
Oct 20, 2020Why Your Bachelorette Sucks: Clare Crawley and the Appropriately Aged MenI should make it clear before you start your angry replies that I’m not actually saying that Clare sucks, this is just the name of this blog I always do about The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I mean, does Clare Crawley actually suck as the Bachelorette? Only time will tell…The Bachelor9 min readThe Bachelor9 min read
Mar 2, 2020Why Your Bachelor Sucks 3: I No Longer Want To Write TheseCan someone please murder me as quickly as possible so that I no longer have to write these? I used to enjoy writing these blogs. It was the opportunity to insult a bunch of unlikeable people while occasionally making an arguably good point about how relationships function. This is only…The Bachelor10 min readThe Bachelor10 min read
Feb 3, 2020Why Your Bachelor Sucks 2: Alayah Strikes BackPeter you stupid sack of shit. I always speculated that this season of the Bachelor was going to be a whirlwind of shitty antics orchestrated by the producers while the emotional rag doll of a human-being, aka Peter Weber, tries his best to keep his horny levels under control. Some…The Bachelor11 min readThe Bachelor11 min read
Jan 20, 2020Why Your Bachelor Sucks: Mike Should Have Been The BachelorWe’re back. We’re finally back. Everybody’s favorite guilty shit-storm of a pleasure has re-emerged to present another edition of incredibly manipulated love. While Bachelor Nation was busy during the offseason figuratively marching in the streets for Tyler C and/or Mike to be the next Bachelor, ABC execs secretly prepped Peter…The Bachelor8 min readThe Bachelor8 min read
Aug 26, 2019Why Your Bachelor/Bachelorette Sucks 2: Electric BoogaloohEy ChRiS wHeRe WaS yOuR wEEk 2 aRtIcLe? Once again I find myself pointlessly re-writing an intro to a blog article about Bachelor in Paradise as if any of you are even interested in some sort of exposition. You don’t want to know about my day (I didn’t do shit…The Bachelor13 min readThe Bachelor13 min read
Aug 12, 2019Why Your Bachelor/Bachelorette Sucks Pt. 1Okay I had to delete & rewrite the intro to this piece like 80 times because it had a bunch of expositional bullshit that honestly is a waste of time. If you clicked the link to read this article, then you’re well aware of the messy pile of entertainment the…The Bachelor11 min readThe Bachelor11 min read
Jan 6, 2018The Consequences of an Obnoxious David Defeating GoliathHumanity rang in the new year thinking that 2018 would be the start of bigger & better things. The clock struck midnight and lots of us began to tweet “new year, new me” in hopes that 2k18 would bring fame, fortune and a cease to texting exes while listening to…College Football8 min readCollege Football8 min read
Dec 7, 2017The Philadelphia Eagles Lost to Seattle and the Spirit of Christmas is Officially DeadSORRY EVERYBODY BUT CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED BURN DOWN YOUR STOCKINGS AND SLIP KEROSENE INTO MY EGGNOG BECAUSE MY DECEMBER HAS KICKED OFF WITH THE EAGLES’ FIRST LOSS SINCE 9/17. All I wanted for Christmas was financial security, mental stability and the privilege of sleeping at night knowing that the Eagles…NFL7 min readNFL7 min read
